1 00:01:05,649 --> 00:01:07,608 Oh, hello. 2 00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:33,968 Jean Francois? 3 00:02:07,211 --> 00:02:08,336 Jean Francois. 4 00:02:37,741 --> 00:02:40,868 You in the robes. Put down the weapon of mass destruction 5 00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:44,121 and get on the ground. You're under arrest. 6 00:02:56,885 --> 00:02:59,011 Put down your weapons now! 7 00:03:00,597 --> 00:03:02,765 Why can't they ever do this the easy way? 8 00:03:12,442 --> 00:03:14,485 World Police. Get down on the ground! 9 00:03:24,079 --> 00:03:26,122 Hey, terrorist. 10 00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:29,333 Terrorise this. 11 00:03:40,345 --> 00:03:42,805 All right, let's make this interesting. 12 00:04:10,709 --> 00:04:12,418 You lose. 13 00:04:14,713 --> 00:04:17,882 -He's getting away with the WMD! -I got him. 14 00:04:30,187 --> 00:04:31,354 Damn, I missed him. 15 00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:33,856 Sarah, he's got the bomb. You got a fix? 16 00:04:35,651 --> 00:04:38,277 I got him, Carson. He's heading for the Louvre. 17 00:04:40,155 --> 00:04:41,530 Your plans are over. 18 00:04:53,543 --> 00:04:55,711 -All right, Sarah. -Yeah, all right, team! 19 00:04:55,796 --> 00:04:57,546 Nothing to it. 20 00:04:57,756 --> 00:04:59,840 All right. 21 00:05:02,010 --> 00:05:05,972 Bonjour, everyone. Don't worry. Everything is bon. 22 00:05:06,056 --> 00:05:08,015 We stopped the terrorists. 23 00:05:19,236 --> 00:05:21,988 I was doing a lot of thinking on the ride over here. 24 00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:23,781 Oh, yeah? About what? 25 00:05:24,241 --> 00:05:27,910 I was thinking that I want you to marry me. 26 00:05:28,537 --> 00:05:31,497 -Don't joke about that. -Who's joking? 27 00:05:35,252 --> 00:05:38,379 Joe to Sarah. Looks like we may need to order up a wedding cake. 28 00:05:38,505 --> 00:05:42,174 -He finally popped the question? -Lisa, you're an amazing woman. 29 00:05:42,259 --> 00:05:46,595 And a damn fine cop. And I want to spend the rest of my life with you. 30 00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:49,765 Oh, Carson. Carson... 31 00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:54,687 Carson! 32 00:05:59,985 --> 00:06:01,277 No! 33 00:06:07,284 --> 00:06:08,534 Carson. 34 00:06:08,994 --> 00:06:13,539 -Feel so cold. -You have to hang on, Carson. 35 00:06:14,416 --> 00:06:17,626 Sorry, babe. Looks like this was a one-way ticket. 36 00:06:18,003 --> 00:06:19,003 No. 37 00:06:20,464 --> 00:06:23,049 Lisa, you have to live on. 38 00:06:23,133 --> 00:06:26,969 Find someone else who will love you. Find someone else and be happy. 39 00:06:27,262 --> 00:06:29,472 You deserve... 40 00:06:33,685 --> 00:06:40,483 No! 41 00:07:04,007 --> 00:07:06,175 Everyone has AIDS 42 00:07:07,135 --> 00:07:09,053 AIDS, AIDS, AIDS 43 00:07:09,679 --> 00:07:12,306 AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS AIDS, AIDS 44 00:07:12,599 --> 00:07:14,391 Everyone has AIDS 45 00:07:17,062 --> 00:07:19,647 And so this is the end of our story 46 00:07:20,315 --> 00:07:22,858 And everyone is dead from AIDS 47 00:07:23,485 --> 00:07:26,237 lt took from me my best friend 48 00:07:26,321 --> 00:07:29,031 My only true pal 49 00:07:29,116 --> 00:07:30,866 My only bright star 50 00:07:31,034 --> 00:07:32,451 He died of AIDS 51 00:07:32,536 --> 00:07:34,870 Well, I'm gonna march on Washington 52 00:07:35,038 --> 00:07:37,206 Lead the fight And charge the brigades 53 00:07:38,416 --> 00:07:40,376 There's a hero inside of all of us 54 00:07:41,086 --> 00:07:43,712 I'll make them see Everyone has AIDS 55 00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:45,047 -My father -AIDS 56 00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:46,632 -My sister -AIDS 57 00:07:46,716 --> 00:07:48,467 My uncle and my cousin And her best friend 58 00:07:48,552 --> 00:07:49,802 AIDS, AIDS, AIDS 59 00:07:49,886 --> 00:07:53,139 The gays and the straights And the whites and the spades 60 00:07:53,223 --> 00:07:56,600 Everyone has AIDS My grandma and my dog Ole Blue 61 00:07:56,726 --> 00:08:00,312 -AIDS, AIDS, AIDS -The Pope has got it and so do you 62 00:08:00,397 --> 00:08:03,190 Come on, everybody We got quilting to do 63 00:08:03,275 --> 00:08:05,442 We're gonna break down These barricades 64 00:08:05,527 --> 00:08:08,070 Everyone has AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS 65 00:08:08,155 --> 00:08:10,573 AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS 66 00:08:10,657 --> 00:08:12,283 AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS AIDS, AIDS 67 00:08:21,543 --> 00:08:24,253 -Great job, Gary. -Thanks. You, too, Steve. 68 00:08:24,421 --> 00:08:26,380 That was the greatest acting I've ever seen. 69 00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:28,257 I just don't know how you do it, Gary. 70 00:08:28,425 --> 00:08:30,301 How do you make yourself so sombre and emotional 71 00:08:30,427 --> 00:08:31,886 to make everybody cry like that? 72 00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:37,558 It's not that hard, really. I just think about the saddest moment in my life. 73 00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:45,774 Man, wow. Gary is such a great guy. 74 00:08:52,657 --> 00:08:55,242 Gary. Oh, no. Help me! Help me! 75 00:08:55,327 --> 00:08:59,163 Get off of me! Get this thing off of me! Gary! 76 00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:03,959 Hello, young man. Congratulations on a terrific performance. 77 00:09:04,127 --> 00:09:07,171 Oh, thank you. I don't believe we've met, Mr...? 78 00:09:08,131 --> 00:09:10,758 The name is Spottswoode. 79 00:09:12,928 --> 00:09:16,055 -Well, nice to meet you. -And you are Gary Johnston. 80 00:09:16,181 --> 00:09:19,600 All-American actor who graduated Iowa University summa cum laude 81 00:09:19,684 --> 00:09:22,561 with a double major in theatre and world languages. 82 00:09:22,646 --> 00:09:25,439 You've been at the top of every acting class since you were a child. 83 00:09:25,523 --> 00:09:27,983 Top-gun actor. 84 00:09:29,653 --> 00:09:32,238 Hey, hold on a second, are you from Hollywood? 85 00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:37,993 I have an incredible offer for you, Gary. If you're interested, follow me this way. 86 00:09:56,429 --> 00:09:59,640 Please, Gary, step into my car. 87 00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:03,686 Oh, I get it. 88 00:10:04,020 --> 00:10:06,647 I'm supposed to get in your car and let you put your finger inside me. 89 00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:09,024 Then if I go down on you, I get a movie part. 90 00:10:10,193 --> 00:10:13,028 No, I just want to show you something. 91 00:10:13,196 --> 00:10:14,363 Yeah, I'll bet you do. 92 00:10:14,489 --> 00:10:16,573 Please, Gary, I'm not from Hollywood. 93 00:10:16,658 --> 00:10:20,202 I'm not going to fuck your mouth, and my time is extremely valuable. 94 00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:34,508 -Jesus, this is a nice limo. -Yes, it is. 95 00:10:34,801 --> 00:10:36,885 Now, suck my cock. 96 00:10:38,263 --> 00:10:39,555 Just kidding. 97 00:10:47,188 --> 00:10:49,857 All right, just what the hell is this about? 98 00:10:49,983 --> 00:10:52,526 I hate to break this to you, Gary, 99 00:10:52,819 --> 00:10:55,237 but some people out there want you dead. 100 00:10:55,864 --> 00:10:58,073 -Dead? -They're called terrorists, Gary. 101 00:10:58,241 --> 00:11:00,242 And they hate everything about you. 102 00:11:01,244 --> 00:11:04,747 Why? What did I do to them? I'm just a Broadway actor. 103 00:11:04,873 --> 00:11:07,416 It's not who you are, Gary, it's what you stand for. 104 00:11:07,584 --> 00:11:09,710 And every single minute of every single day, 105 00:11:09,794 --> 00:11:11,462 the terrorists are planning new ways 106 00:11:11,588 --> 00:11:15,215 to kill you and everyone else who lives in a free country. 107 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:19,928 The only thing standing in their way is us. 108 00:11:20,930 --> 00:11:22,097 You? 109 00:11:22,766 --> 00:11:26,101 Baxter, I think we can valmorphanise safely now. 110 00:11:58,802 --> 00:12:02,679 Okay, a limousine that can fly. Now I have seen everything. 111 00:12:02,806 --> 00:12:05,974 Really? Have you seen a man eat his own head? 112 00:12:06,101 --> 00:12:08,769 -No. -So then you haven't seen everything. 113 00:12:08,895 --> 00:12:10,813 And neither have we. 114 00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:13,273 Last week in Paris, we caught four terrorists 115 00:12:13,358 --> 00:12:15,234 with a weapon of mass destruction. 116 00:12:15,819 --> 00:12:19,530 The terrorists are planning something very big. 117 00:12:19,656 --> 00:12:21,949 And just what does this have to do with me? 118 00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:24,952 Our only hope is to have somebody act like a terrorist 119 00:12:25,036 --> 00:12:27,329 who wants to help them carry out the attack. 120 00:12:27,831 --> 00:12:31,500 An actor convincing enough to make the terrorists think he's one of them. 121 00:12:32,710 --> 00:12:35,003 This is crazy. I'm an actor, not a spy. 122 00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:39,299 That's all spying is, acting. And they say you're the best. 123 00:12:39,384 --> 00:12:42,553 An actor with a double major in theatre and world languages? 124 00:12:42,637 --> 00:12:44,972 Hell, you're the perfect weapon, Gary. 125 00:12:47,475 --> 00:12:48,517 Look out! 126 00:13:19,090 --> 00:13:22,176 Right this way, you maverick renegade. 127 00:13:34,439 --> 00:13:36,732 Welcome to Team Base. 128 00:13:37,567 --> 00:13:41,528 Gary, this is Joe, all-star quarterback from the University of Nebraska. 129 00:13:42,071 --> 00:13:43,489 He's a natural-born leader. 130 00:13:43,615 --> 00:13:45,616 I've heard a lot about your acting, Mr Johnston. 131 00:13:45,909 --> 00:13:47,659 Hope it's as good as they say it is. 132 00:13:48,077 --> 00:13:49,495 And this is Sarah, 133 00:13:49,579 --> 00:13:52,498 the top empath from Berkeley's School for the Clairvoyant 134 00:13:52,582 --> 00:13:53,916 in San Francisco. 135 00:13:54,083 --> 00:13:58,253 I sense that you're slightly confused right now. 136 00:13:59,255 --> 00:14:03,050 That's supposed to be Carson's replacement, a fucking actor? 137 00:14:03,218 --> 00:14:05,928 Don't mind Chris. He may be lacking courtesy, 138 00:14:06,012 --> 00:14:09,097 but he's the best martial-arts expert Detroit has to offer. 139 00:14:09,224 --> 00:14:12,559 That's right, actor. Just stay the fuck away from me. 140 00:14:13,645 --> 00:14:17,731 And finally, we have our psychology expert. Where's Lisa? 141 00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:19,608 Right here. 142 00:14:27,784 --> 00:14:31,954 Gary, this is Lisa. She specialises in how the terrorists think. 143 00:14:32,455 --> 00:14:36,083 Usually a case of malignant narcissism brought on during childhood. 144 00:14:36,584 --> 00:14:39,086 We've been doing our best to keep the world safe, Gary. 145 00:14:39,212 --> 00:14:42,297 But now somebody has supplied the terrorists with WMDs. 146 00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:45,217 And intelligence tells us they plan to use them. 147 00:14:45,301 --> 00:14:46,802 Isn't that right, I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.? 148 00:14:47,929 --> 00:14:51,056 -That is affirmative. -I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.? 149 00:14:51,140 --> 00:14:53,892 The most sophisticated computer in the world. 150 00:14:53,977 --> 00:14:57,229 I've intercepeed communications that several terrorist groups 151 00:14:57,313 --> 00:15:01,108 are being organised for one massive worldwide attack. 152 00:15:01,192 --> 00:15:02,943 From what I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. has gathered, 153 00:15:03,027 --> 00:15:04,945 it would be 9/11 times 100. 154 00:15:06,990 --> 00:15:10,158 9/11 times 100? Jesus, that's... 155 00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:13,579 Yes, 91 ,100. 156 00:15:15,373 --> 00:15:18,875 Basically, all the worst parts of the Bible. 157 00:15:19,043 --> 00:15:21,503 So now you see why we need you. 158 00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:25,841 We will disguise you as a terrorist and take you deep into the Middle East. 159 00:15:26,009 --> 00:15:29,511 If your acting is successful, you'll be able to get us the information we need 160 00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:31,847 to stop this whole thing from happening. 161 00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:34,766 Of course, if you're not interested, 162 00:15:34,851 --> 00:15:35,892 there's the door. 163 00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:41,189 All right. Thanks. 164 00:15:52,410 --> 00:15:55,078 Gary. Hey, hold on a second. 165 00:15:55,538 --> 00:15:58,582 Don't you understand? Every country in the world is in danger. 166 00:15:58,666 --> 00:16:01,293 How is it my responsibility to do something? 167 00:16:01,878 --> 00:16:05,922 Because like it or not, you're the one with the power to do something. 168 00:16:08,843 --> 00:16:12,554 I can't fight terrorists. I don't know anything about guns orjets. 169 00:16:12,639 --> 00:16:15,766 That doesn't matter. If you want to help people, 170 00:16:16,225 --> 00:16:20,354 all that matters, Gary, is what you have here. 171 00:16:26,569 --> 00:16:29,946 Just think about it, okay? Here, take this. 172 00:16:34,702 --> 00:16:38,288 Baxter will take you wherever you wanna go. Just remember, 173 00:16:38,373 --> 00:16:41,291 your freedom's at stake, too. 174 00:16:53,429 --> 00:16:55,764 What do you think Spottswoode sees in him? 175 00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:59,142 I don't know. But I think I see it, too. 176 00:17:16,285 --> 00:17:17,786 Hey, Baxter. 177 00:17:18,955 --> 00:17:21,123 I wanna take a detour. 178 00:17:22,458 --> 00:17:24,501 What would you do 179 00:17:24,585 --> 00:17:28,338 lf you were asked to give up your dreams for freedom? 180 00:17:29,966 --> 00:17:31,800 What would you do 181 00:17:31,968 --> 00:17:36,012 lf asked to make the ultimate sacrifice? 182 00:17:36,305 --> 00:17:39,516 Would you think about all them people 183 00:17:39,642 --> 00:17:43,353 Who gave up everything they had? 184 00:17:43,479 --> 00:17:47,190 Would you think about all them war vets 185 00:17:47,275 --> 00:17:51,486 And would you start to feel bad? 186 00:17:53,656 --> 00:17:56,324 Freedom isn't free 187 00:17:56,492 --> 00:18:00,162 lt costs folks like you and me 188 00:18:00,329 --> 00:18:02,748 And if we don't all chip in 189 00:18:02,832 --> 00:18:07,461 We'll never pay that bill 190 00:18:08,796 --> 00:18:11,673 Freedom isn't free 191 00:18:11,799 --> 00:18:14,801 No, there's a hefty fucking fee 192 00:18:15,428 --> 00:18:21,892 And if you don't throw in your buck-o-five, who will? 193 00:18:23,811 --> 00:18:25,729 Buck-o-five 194 00:18:26,022 --> 00:18:29,983 Freedom costs a buck-o-five 195 00:19:09,816 --> 00:19:12,818 Our dear leader, Kim Jong II, says the weapons of mass destruction 196 00:19:12,944 --> 00:19:15,695 you requested are ready for you to take. 197 00:19:16,030 --> 00:19:17,656 I am still in the process of recruiting 198 00:19:17,740 --> 00:19:20,325 and training new terrorists for the attack. 199 00:19:20,409 --> 00:19:22,994 We take weapons later. 200 00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:33,129 He asks what part of the deal you did not understand. 201 00:19:33,214 --> 00:19:36,007 He says perhaps his translator did not make it clear to you. 202 00:19:36,092 --> 00:19:39,594 He says he should fire his translator? 203 00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:46,810 Do you have any idea how fucking busy I am? 204 00:19:46,936 --> 00:19:49,938 I cannot berieve that I actually have a Chechnyan standing here 205 00:19:50,022 --> 00:19:51,857 terring me when he's gonna take a derivery. 206 00:19:52,233 --> 00:19:53,275 Herro? 207 00:19:54,026 --> 00:19:56,403 Perhaps we can be ready sooner. 208 00:19:56,654 --> 00:19:58,780 Yes, perhaps you can. 209 00:19:59,156 --> 00:20:01,491 Now, take your weapons of mass destruction 210 00:20:01,576 --> 00:20:03,493 and get the fuck out of here. 211 00:20:22,138 --> 00:20:24,764 I had to come back. 212 00:20:24,891 --> 00:20:27,976 -I know you did, son. -I still say this is a fucking mistake. 213 00:20:28,144 --> 00:20:31,646 Stop it, Chris. I sense that you're making him feel intimidated. 214 00:20:32,148 --> 00:20:33,648 Gary, I'm afraid there's no time. 215 00:20:33,774 --> 00:20:36,151 I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. tells us the attack is imminent. 216 00:20:36,319 --> 00:20:39,237 We need you to act like a Middle Eastern terrorist right away. 217 00:20:39,614 --> 00:20:43,366 There's just one problem. I don't look Middle Eastern. 218 00:20:45,161 --> 00:20:47,162 Leave that to us. 219 00:20:58,716 --> 00:21:02,385 Sarah's a professional at skin grafting and laser valmoriphication. 220 00:21:03,638 --> 00:21:05,347 Just try to be still. 221 00:21:42,593 --> 00:21:44,135 Amazing. 222 00:21:44,303 --> 00:21:45,929 The valmoriphication completely worked. 223 00:21:46,055 --> 00:21:48,056 Sit up and take a look, Gary. 224 00:21:54,814 --> 00:21:55,981 It's uncanny. 225 00:21:57,066 --> 00:21:59,734 You're going to fool everyone, Gary. 226 00:21:59,860 --> 00:22:00,902 Or should I say, 227 00:22:01,028 --> 00:22:02,696 Hakmed. 228 00:22:03,739 --> 00:22:06,282 All right, team, we've only got one shot at this, so listen up. 229 00:22:07,493 --> 00:22:09,619 I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. has intercepted communications 230 00:22:09,745 --> 00:22:14,332 that terrorists from different countries are gathering at a tavern here, in Cairo. 231 00:22:14,750 --> 00:22:17,460 Cairo. That's in Egypt. 232 00:22:17,920 --> 00:22:19,713 Exactly right, Joe. 233 00:22:19,797 --> 00:22:23,883 Now, team, your mission will be to get Gary into that tavern. 234 00:22:23,968 --> 00:22:27,012 And once he's on the inside, cover his back. 235 00:22:27,096 --> 00:22:29,014 Gary, you must use your acting 236 00:22:29,098 --> 00:22:32,058 to find out any information you can from the terrorists. 237 00:22:34,061 --> 00:22:37,105 Gary, if for some reason your cover is blown 238 00:22:37,189 --> 00:22:39,232 and the terrorists take you prisoner, 239 00:22:40,026 --> 00:22:42,861 well, you'll probably want to take your own life. 240 00:22:42,945 --> 00:22:45,530 Here, you'd better have this. 241 00:22:51,287 --> 00:22:53,955 All right, team, that's it. We've got a job to do. 242 00:22:54,290 --> 00:22:56,916 Let's go police the world. 243 00:22:57,918 --> 00:23:04,215 America 244 00:23:04,675 --> 00:23:07,427 -America -Fuck, yeah 245 00:23:07,511 --> 00:23:10,096 Coming again to save The motherfucking day, yeah 246 00:23:10,181 --> 00:23:13,141 -America -Fuck, yeah 247 00:23:13,350 --> 00:23:16,144 Freedom is the only way, yeah 248 00:23:16,228 --> 00:23:18,730 Terrorists, your game is through 249 00:23:18,814 --> 00:23:21,691 'Cause now you have to answer to 250 00:23:21,776 --> 00:23:24,444 -America -Fuck, yeah 251 00:23:24,528 --> 00:23:27,322 So lick my butt And suck on my balls 252 00:23:27,406 --> 00:23:30,325 -America -Fuck, yeah 253 00:23:32,495 --> 00:23:34,871 What if the old man is wrong about him, huh? 254 00:23:35,206 --> 00:23:38,583 What if he's not the great actor Spottswoode says he is? 255 00:23:39,668 --> 00:23:42,087 Why don't you trust actors, Chris? 256 00:23:44,131 --> 00:23:46,508 I got my reasons. 257 00:23:50,930 --> 00:23:52,514 You all right, Gary? 258 00:23:53,390 --> 00:23:55,183 I was just thinking. 259 00:23:55,351 --> 00:23:58,603 Onstage, if I mess up a line, it could mean a bad review. 260 00:23:58,896 --> 00:24:00,939 If I mess up here, 261 00:24:01,065 --> 00:24:02,982 we're all dead. 262 00:24:04,110 --> 00:24:06,861 I believe you can do this, Gary. 263 00:24:07,154 --> 00:24:10,406 Why? What reason do you have to believe? 264 00:24:11,826 --> 00:24:16,037 Sometimes believing is all we have. 265 00:25:10,259 --> 00:25:13,219 Fear not, Muslim friends. We're here to find terrorists. 266 00:25:13,345 --> 00:25:16,556 I'm clearing your minds of all anxiety. 267 00:25:17,391 --> 00:25:20,768 All right, good job, Sarah. Now, everyone make for the tavern. 268 00:25:20,936 --> 00:25:23,521 Let's get one thing straight, actor. I don't trust you. 269 00:25:23,647 --> 00:25:26,858 And if you betray us, I'll rip your fucking balls off and stuff them up your ass 270 00:25:26,942 --> 00:25:30,153 so that the next time you shit, you'll shit all over your balls, got it? 271 00:25:30,279 --> 00:25:32,822 -What's your problem with me? -Yeah, you wanna go? 272 00:25:32,907 --> 00:25:34,324 Guys, guys, guys! 273 00:25:34,408 --> 00:25:36,993 Don't you see this is just what the terrorists want us to do? 274 00:25:37,077 --> 00:25:41,456 The war is out there, man. Out there. Now, pull it together. 275 00:25:43,042 --> 00:25:46,252 All right, team, let's move to the inner city. Keep it quiet. 276 00:25:58,474 --> 00:26:00,725 -Clear. -Clear. 277 00:26:00,809 --> 00:26:02,560 All right, Gary, you follow me. The rest of the team, 278 00:26:02,645 --> 00:26:04,812 take super-secret hiding positions Alpha One. 279 00:26:07,983 --> 00:26:10,443 All right, that's the tavern with the blue door. 280 00:26:10,903 --> 00:26:14,822 Act your way past those guards and see what you can find out. 281 00:26:15,115 --> 00:26:17,992 Remember, if you think they're onto you, give us the signal. 282 00:26:18,077 --> 00:26:19,827 You remember the signal? 283 00:26:21,830 --> 00:26:25,166 That's right. All right, good luck. 284 00:26:27,753 --> 00:26:29,420 Go get them, cowboy. 285 00:27:01,078 --> 00:27:02,537 Oh, shit. 286 00:27:02,705 --> 00:27:05,331 Come on, Gary, act. You have the power. 287 00:27:24,143 --> 00:27:26,644 -All right, Gary! -Told you he was top-gun. 288 00:27:26,812 --> 00:27:30,773 -I've never seen acting that good. -He's amazing. 289 00:27:48,542 --> 00:27:51,252 Yeah, no, I know. It's terrible, terrible. 290 00:27:53,005 --> 00:27:56,758 We are Bashir rebels from the country of Somalia. Who are you? 291 00:27:58,594 --> 00:28:02,263 My name is Hakmed. I'm a terrorist. 292 00:28:05,100 --> 00:28:08,936 Anybody know of any terrorist attacks coming up soon? 293 00:28:22,117 --> 00:28:25,203 I sense that I'm becoming attracted to Gary. 294 00:28:26,789 --> 00:28:29,290 My advice is not to get involved with a team member, Sarah. 295 00:28:29,375 --> 00:28:32,460 It's too painful to see them die. 296 00:28:33,295 --> 00:28:35,630 I'm sorry, Lisa. I didn't mean to bring up... 297 00:28:35,756 --> 00:28:38,800 It's okay, Sarah. I treasure your friendship. 298 00:28:39,468 --> 00:28:41,803 I treasure yours, Lisa. 299 00:28:48,143 --> 00:28:51,979 Hey, have you ever thought of telling Sarah how you feel? 300 00:28:53,107 --> 00:28:57,360 What would a girl like Sarah want with a simple Nebraska boy like me? 301 00:28:57,444 --> 00:29:00,655 I don't know nothing about fancy cars and fancy restaurants. 302 00:29:01,573 --> 00:29:05,493 Still, I'd love to show her a full-moon night on the cornfields. 303 00:29:20,050 --> 00:29:21,759 What do you know? 304 00:29:22,511 --> 00:29:25,721 I heard there might be a large terrorist attack. 305 00:29:25,848 --> 00:29:29,517 If you tell me what it is, maybe I could help out. 306 00:29:29,685 --> 00:29:32,979 Get out of here. We have put out a jihad on the infidels 307 00:29:33,147 --> 00:29:35,690 because they destroyed our lives. 308 00:29:36,400 --> 00:29:39,235 What do you know about pain and sadness? 309 00:29:41,864 --> 00:29:44,699 Gary. Help me! Help me! 310 00:29:44,867 --> 00:29:48,369 Get him off! Get this thing off of me! Gary! 311 00:29:50,497 --> 00:29:53,374 I was just a boy when the infidels came to my village 312 00:29:53,459 --> 00:29:55,209 in their BLACK HAWK helicopters. 313 00:29:57,129 --> 00:30:01,591 The infidels fired at the oil fields and they lit up like the eyes ofAllah. 314 00:30:01,675 --> 00:30:05,511 Burning oil rained down from the sky and cooked everything it touched. 315 00:30:05,596 --> 00:30:08,431 I could only hide myself and cry as my goats were consumed 316 00:30:08,515 --> 00:30:10,391 by the fiery, black liquid death. 317 00:30:13,729 --> 00:30:15,396 In the midst of the chaos, 318 00:30:15,689 --> 00:30:19,942 I could swear that I heard my goats screaming for help. 319 00:30:21,904 --> 00:30:25,323 As quickly as they had come, the infidels were gone. 320 00:30:25,616 --> 00:30:29,911 It was on that day I put a jihad on them. 321 00:30:32,831 --> 00:30:36,959 And if you don't believe it, then you better kill me now, 322 00:30:37,085 --> 00:30:40,421 because I'll put a jihad on you, too. 323 00:30:46,136 --> 00:30:49,055 I like you. You have balls. 324 00:30:49,515 --> 00:30:51,390 I like balls. 325 00:30:53,977 --> 00:30:56,771 All right, listen carefully. The WMDs are located 326 00:30:56,855 --> 00:30:59,690 in a secret bunker 20 yards east of this building. 327 00:30:59,775 --> 00:31:02,318 You can help us by guarding it and making... 328 00:31:06,698 --> 00:31:08,241 Come. They're onto us! 329 00:31:08,659 --> 00:31:10,284 Hurry, friend. We must make our escape. 330 00:31:14,623 --> 00:31:18,251 Shit. I've got five terrorists going southeast on Baka laka daka Street. 331 00:31:18,585 --> 00:31:19,544 Don't let them get away. 332 00:31:25,676 --> 00:31:27,843 I sense Gary's trapped inside the tavern. 333 00:31:28,178 --> 00:31:30,596 Copy, Sarah. You get Gary, we'll go after the terrorists. 334 00:31:31,598 --> 00:31:34,642 America 335 00:31:35,102 --> 00:31:38,020 -America -Fuck, yeah 336 00:31:38,105 --> 00:31:40,898 Coming again to save The motherfucking day, yeah 337 00:31:40,983 --> 00:31:43,693 -America -Fuck, yeah 338 00:31:43,777 --> 00:31:46,737 Freedom is the only way, yeah 339 00:31:47,656 --> 00:31:50,533 It's the dream that we all share 340 00:31:50,617 --> 00:31:53,494 It's the hope for tomorrow 341 00:31:53,662 --> 00:31:55,121 Go faster, you idiot. 342 00:32:01,169 --> 00:32:03,462 Die! Infidels! 343 00:32:10,679 --> 00:32:13,264 -They're not stopping. -They had their chance. 344 00:32:22,357 --> 00:32:23,733 Missed. Wide right. 345 00:32:26,278 --> 00:32:28,362 One of the terrorists is trying to tell us something. 346 00:32:28,947 --> 00:32:30,573 It's me. It's me. 347 00:32:31,033 --> 00:32:34,368 Looks like he's saying, "Kiss me. Kiss me." 348 00:32:34,536 --> 00:32:35,870 Smartass motherfucker. 349 00:32:50,761 --> 00:32:52,970 -Gary? -An infidel. 350 00:32:53,055 --> 00:32:54,930 Kill her. 351 00:33:05,567 --> 00:33:06,567 Gary? 352 00:33:10,697 --> 00:33:13,824 -Sarah to Team America 4. -What you got, Sarah? 353 00:33:13,909 --> 00:33:17,411 Gary isn't in the tavern. I think he may be with... 354 00:33:17,496 --> 00:33:20,790 -Say again, Sarah. You're breaking up. -Joe, do you copy? 355 00:33:21,458 --> 00:33:24,335 -I'll get him. -Lisa? 356 00:33:28,215 --> 00:33:29,799 I lost her. 357 00:33:29,883 --> 00:33:33,010 It's all right. We'll kill these guys, then we'll find out what she wants. 358 00:33:33,095 --> 00:33:34,095 Right. 359 00:33:41,895 --> 00:33:43,604 Hey, guys, I think we should pull over. 360 00:33:43,730 --> 00:33:45,648 Pull over? Yes, of course. 361 00:33:45,732 --> 00:33:48,317 Pull over, let them pass us, and when they turn around, we charge them. 362 00:33:48,402 --> 00:33:50,027 I love your balls. 363 00:33:53,907 --> 00:33:55,199 Shit, they got by me. 364 00:33:59,663 --> 00:34:02,873 -What are we doing? -This jeep is filled with explosives. 365 00:34:02,958 --> 00:34:05,334 We're going to take their lives and our own. 366 00:34:05,419 --> 00:34:07,253 We're gonna what? 367 00:34:08,338 --> 00:34:10,339 -Hang on, Joe. -Die, infidels. 368 00:34:22,310 --> 00:34:23,477 Surprise, cockfags! 369 00:34:41,663 --> 00:34:43,831 All right. We fucking did it. 370 00:34:47,669 --> 00:34:52,256 Spottswoode, it's Lisa. Gary found the WMDs and the terrorists are down. 371 00:34:52,591 --> 00:34:56,510 Great job, team. Head back to base for debriefing and cocktails. 372 00:35:00,515 --> 00:35:03,893 This is breaking news with Peter Jennings. 373 00:35:04,686 --> 00:35:07,855 Team America has once again pissed off the entire world 374 00:35:07,939 --> 00:35:09,899 after blowing up half of Cairo. 375 00:35:09,983 --> 00:35:13,235 And now some Hollywood celebrities are lashing out. 376 00:35:13,320 --> 00:35:16,697 Alec Baldwin is head of the Film Actors Guild. 377 00:35:17,032 --> 00:35:19,158 The Film Actors Guild believes 378 00:35:19,242 --> 00:35:21,952 that what the world needs is compassion, not violence. 379 00:35:22,037 --> 00:35:25,706 All that Team America does is create new enemies. 380 00:35:25,832 --> 00:35:28,375 Let me explain to you how this works. 381 00:35:28,460 --> 00:35:31,837 You see, the corporations finance Team America. 382 00:35:31,922 --> 00:35:35,633 And then Team America goes out, and the corporations sit there in their... 383 00:35:35,717 --> 00:35:40,054 In their corporation buildings, and, see, they're all corporation-y, 384 00:35:40,138 --> 00:35:41,347 and they make money. 385 00:35:42,974 --> 00:35:44,558 Last year I went to Iraq. 386 00:35:44,684 --> 00:35:47,728 Before Team America showed up, it was a happy place. 387 00:35:47,813 --> 00:35:50,481 They had flowery meadows and rainbow skies 388 00:35:50,565 --> 00:35:52,608 and rivers made of chocolate, where the children danced 389 00:35:52,692 --> 00:35:55,653 and laughed and played with gumdrop smiles. 390 00:35:55,779 --> 00:35:57,822 The actors are calling for an emergency meeting. 391 00:35:57,906 --> 00:35:59,990 Already expected to attend are Helen Hunt, 392 00:36:00,075 --> 00:36:05,246 George Clooney, Liv Tyler, Martin Sheen, Susan Sarandon, 393 00:36:05,330 --> 00:36:07,832 Janeane Garofalo and Matt Damon. 394 00:36:07,916 --> 00:36:10,334 Matt Damon. 395 00:36:11,169 --> 00:36:14,421 In the meantime, the world wants to deal with dangerous individuals 396 00:36:14,506 --> 00:36:15,631 their own way. 397 00:36:34,109 --> 00:36:36,610 Hans Brix? Oh, no. 398 00:36:38,321 --> 00:36:41,323 Oh, herro, great to see you again, Hans. 399 00:36:41,616 --> 00:36:45,452 Mr Il, I was supposed to be allowed to inspect your palace today, 400 00:36:45,537 --> 00:36:48,622 and your guards won't let me into certain areas. 401 00:36:48,748 --> 00:36:52,042 Hans, Hans, Hans. We've been through this a dozen times. 402 00:36:52,210 --> 00:36:56,130 I don't have any weapons of mass destruction, okay, Hans? 403 00:36:56,214 --> 00:36:59,466 Then let me look around so I can ease the UN's collective mind. 404 00:36:59,593 --> 00:37:03,220 Hans, you're breaking my barrs here. Hans, you're breaking my barrs. 405 00:37:03,305 --> 00:37:06,098 I'm sorry, but the UN must be firm with you. 406 00:37:06,182 --> 00:37:09,518 Let me see your whole palace, or else. 407 00:37:09,603 --> 00:37:11,145 Or else what? 408 00:37:11,897 --> 00:37:15,900 Or else we will be very, very angry with you. 409 00:37:15,984 --> 00:37:19,445 And we will write you a letter telling you how angry we are. 410 00:37:21,031 --> 00:37:23,991 Okay, I'll show you, Hans. You ready? 411 00:37:24,117 --> 00:37:25,576 Stand a rittle to your reft. 412 00:37:28,246 --> 00:37:29,330 A rittle more. 413 00:37:30,916 --> 00:37:32,207 Good. 414 00:37:38,131 --> 00:37:39,423 There you go, Hans Brix. 415 00:37:39,507 --> 00:37:41,842 How you rike that, you fucking cocksucker? 416 00:37:44,763 --> 00:37:48,307 Do you have any idea how fucking busy I am, Hans Brix? 417 00:37:48,391 --> 00:37:50,726 Well, fuck you. You want inspection? 418 00:37:50,810 --> 00:37:54,188 Well, inspect that, you buttfucking piece of shit. 419 00:37:55,190 --> 00:37:57,650 What, you think I'm just a petty arms dearer? 420 00:37:57,734 --> 00:37:59,443 I'm pranning the attack. 421 00:37:59,527 --> 00:38:03,948 Congraturations, Team America, you have stopped nothing. 422 00:38:23,218 --> 00:38:26,220 Congratulations, Gary. You've done an amazing thing. 423 00:38:26,388 --> 00:38:30,224 It will be years before the terrorists have the resources to attack again. 424 00:38:30,892 --> 00:38:33,268 We're gonna be unstoppable with you on the team, Gary. 425 00:38:33,395 --> 00:38:35,813 Terrorists, your game is through. 426 00:38:36,272 --> 00:38:38,148 You're the best, Gary. 427 00:38:39,901 --> 00:38:43,112 So this terrorist is shooting at us from the back of his jeep, and he... 428 00:38:43,405 --> 00:38:45,656 You might have all the others fooled, but not me. 429 00:38:45,740 --> 00:38:48,325 Your acting was reckless and it put us all in danger. 430 00:38:48,576 --> 00:38:51,495 The next time you pull a stunt like that, I'll drill two holes through your dick 431 00:38:51,579 --> 00:38:55,624 so that when you pee, it shoots out in all different directions. You got it? 432 00:38:58,086 --> 00:38:59,920 Hey, Sarah, do you mind if I dance with you? 433 00:39:00,005 --> 00:39:01,922 No, of course not, Joe. 434 00:39:11,683 --> 00:39:14,643 Joe, do you think it's okay for team members to date? 435 00:39:16,271 --> 00:39:17,855 Sarah, really? 436 00:39:18,773 --> 00:39:20,607 Yeah. Do you think it's all right? 437 00:39:20,692 --> 00:39:23,027 I think it's better than all right. It's great! 438 00:39:23,153 --> 00:39:25,279 Oh, good. I'm so glad you think so. 439 00:39:39,711 --> 00:39:41,253 Gary? You okay? 440 00:39:43,006 --> 00:39:47,176 I was just wondering if I can let go of an old, painful memory. 441 00:39:48,553 --> 00:39:50,763 Is it anything that you wanna talk about? 442 00:39:51,723 --> 00:39:55,225 When I was a kid, I always looked up to my older brother, Tommy. 443 00:39:55,935 --> 00:39:58,645 He was the jock, and I was the little performer. 444 00:39:59,981 --> 00:40:02,483 We were all out at the zoo one day. 445 00:40:02,567 --> 00:40:06,945 I was doing some acting, walking on the railing of the gorilla exhibit. 446 00:40:07,030 --> 00:40:08,363 I fell in. 447 00:40:08,990 --> 00:40:12,409 Everyone screamed, and Tommy jumped in after me, 448 00:40:12,494 --> 00:40:14,953 forgetting that he had blueberries in his front pocket. 449 00:40:16,956 --> 00:40:18,499 The gorillas just went wild. 450 00:40:19,417 --> 00:40:22,377 They jumped all over his body and threw him around like a rag doll 451 00:40:22,462 --> 00:40:24,338 to get to those blueberries. 452 00:40:26,716 --> 00:40:30,844 One gorilla would throw him to another gorilla, who tossed him to another. 453 00:40:31,346 --> 00:40:34,056 Everyone panicked and cried out for somebody to help, 454 00:40:34,140 --> 00:40:35,891 but it was too late. 455 00:40:36,101 --> 00:40:40,020 The gorillas beat him to death before the zookeepers could gas them all. 456 00:40:44,275 --> 00:40:46,276 My acting 457 00:40:46,361 --> 00:40:48,070 got my brother killed. 458 00:40:48,154 --> 00:40:50,030 I've had to live with that 459 00:40:50,115 --> 00:40:51,740 every single day. 460 00:40:52,700 --> 00:40:55,661 Gary, you can't blame yourself for what gorillas did. 461 00:40:56,996 --> 00:40:59,331 I think I can finally let it go. 462 00:40:59,666 --> 00:41:02,417 Because my acting saved the entire world. 463 00:41:03,336 --> 00:41:05,212 And something even better happened. 464 00:41:05,380 --> 00:41:06,463 What? 465 00:41:07,006 --> 00:41:11,051 I met somebody who took my breath away. 466 00:41:16,391 --> 00:41:17,641 Gary, no. 467 00:41:19,144 --> 00:41:20,227 I'm sorry. 468 00:41:20,311 --> 00:41:23,438 It's just... Things are really complicated, Gary. 469 00:41:24,482 --> 00:41:26,233 I know about Carson. 470 00:41:26,693 --> 00:41:28,443 I know how it feels. 471 00:41:29,362 --> 00:41:31,155 God, I'm so confused. 472 00:41:31,447 --> 00:41:34,283 It's too soon to be having feelings for you. 473 00:41:35,285 --> 00:41:39,413 Maybe feelings are feelings because we can't control them. 474 00:41:40,415 --> 00:41:42,040 But I have to control them 475 00:41:42,125 --> 00:41:44,793 because I can't go through losing somebody again. It's too painful. 476 00:41:45,253 --> 00:41:47,296 So... So, what, you're just gonna shut down? 477 00:41:47,964 --> 00:41:49,631 I really like you. 478 00:41:49,924 --> 00:41:52,092 There's no chance we can ever be together? 479 00:41:54,429 --> 00:41:56,597 Only if you could promise me you'll never die. 480 00:41:58,308 --> 00:42:00,434 You know I can't promise that. 481 00:42:00,518 --> 00:42:03,645 If you did that, I would make love to you right now. 482 00:42:08,443 --> 00:42:12,112 I promise. I will never die. 483 00:42:31,049 --> 00:42:34,509 I need this, I need love I need you 484 00:42:37,639 --> 00:42:42,226 I don't need one heartbeat I need two 485 00:42:44,020 --> 00:42:46,897 There's an empeiness I need to fill 486 00:42:47,523 --> 00:42:50,984 And only one empeiness will do 487 00:42:51,736 --> 00:42:57,074 Only a woman Can brighten up my day 488 00:42:58,868 --> 00:43:05,123 Only a woman Can touch me the right way, yeah 489 00:43:05,750 --> 00:43:10,671 Only a woman Is allowed to touch me there 490 00:43:12,548 --> 00:43:16,760 All I ask Is that you're a woman 491 00:43:16,844 --> 00:43:20,013 Lisa, you're the most amazing person I've ever met. 492 00:43:20,515 --> 00:43:24,184 It's only been a short time, but I think that I'm completely in love... 493 00:43:25,186 --> 00:43:26,728 Let's not talk. 494 00:43:27,689 --> 00:43:30,440 I can't help it. This just feels so right, 495 00:43:30,525 --> 00:43:32,317 and I don't want anything to mess it up. 496 00:43:35,113 --> 00:43:38,490 There's not a thing in the world that can mess this up. 497 00:45:27,642 --> 00:45:30,143 Team, I'm afraid I have bad news. 498 00:45:30,645 --> 00:45:34,481 At 7:15 this morning, the terrorists carried out their attack. 499 00:45:36,609 --> 00:45:38,985 -What? -But how can that be? 500 00:45:39,153 --> 00:45:41,238 Gary stopped the terrorists in Cairo. 501 00:45:41,364 --> 00:45:43,115 It appears now that I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. was wrong 502 00:45:43,199 --> 00:45:44,991 about the Chechnyans being in charge. 503 00:45:46,160 --> 00:45:47,661 That was bad, I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. 504 00:45:48,162 --> 00:45:50,831 -Very bad I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. -I'm sorry. 505 00:45:51,833 --> 00:45:55,335 We have to find out who did this and take them down. Fast. 506 00:45:56,671 --> 00:46:00,340 Sir, I am intercepting communications about the terrorists' identities. 507 00:46:00,675 --> 00:46:02,175 On screen. 508 00:46:02,301 --> 00:46:05,512 This is breaking news with Peter Jennings. 509 00:46:06,556 --> 00:46:09,599 An attack in Panama today has left thousands dead. 510 00:46:09,684 --> 00:46:12,561 Taking credit were terrorists from Derka Derkastan. 511 00:46:13,604 --> 00:46:15,689 Of course, Derka Derkastan. 512 00:46:16,065 --> 00:46:18,942 The terrorists claim that the attack was a retaliation 513 00:46:19,026 --> 00:46:20,986 for Team America's actions in Cairo. 514 00:46:21,070 --> 00:46:24,990 Alec Baldwin is rallying all the members of the Film Actors Guild. 515 00:46:25,199 --> 00:46:27,451 -Alec Baldwin? -Gary? 516 00:46:27,618 --> 00:46:29,077 He's my hero. 517 00:46:29,704 --> 00:46:31,705 The single greatest actor of all time. 518 00:46:32,373 --> 00:46:35,041 Who is to blame for these attacks in Panama? 519 00:46:35,710 --> 00:46:37,002 The terrorists? 520 00:46:37,086 --> 00:46:39,212 The person who supplied them with WMDs? 521 00:46:39,755 --> 00:46:42,716 No. Blame Team America. 522 00:46:44,469 --> 00:46:47,929 Their reckless disregard in Cairo brought on this violence today. 523 00:46:48,764 --> 00:46:54,311 Team America, the blood of the victims of Panama is on your hands. 524 00:46:56,939 --> 00:46:58,732 Moved by Baldwin's impassioned speech, 525 00:46:59,066 --> 00:47:02,402 hundreds of people turned out at Mount Rushmore today to protest. 526 00:47:06,324 --> 00:47:07,949 Hey, that's here. 527 00:47:08,743 --> 00:47:10,994 Tom, it looks like filmmaker Michael Moore 528 00:47:11,078 --> 00:47:14,664 is also jumping on the "Fuck Team America" bandwagon. 529 00:47:15,917 --> 00:47:17,584 Protesting is not enough. 530 00:47:17,668 --> 00:47:21,671 We must take radical action against the fascists in our own country. 531 00:47:22,048 --> 00:47:24,424 Bring it down! Bring it all down! 532 00:47:30,932 --> 00:47:34,017 Team, if the Derka Derkastanis have weapons of mass destruction, 533 00:47:34,101 --> 00:47:38,063 I'm afraid it could be 9/11 times 1,000. 534 00:47:38,147 --> 00:47:40,106 -Jesus, you mean... -Yes. 535 00:47:40,525 --> 00:47:42,943 Nine hundred and eleven thousand. 536 00:47:43,861 --> 00:47:46,154 Then forget all these assholes. We got work to do. 537 00:47:46,697 --> 00:47:49,491 Yes, let's get Gary valmorphanised so he can use his acting. 538 00:47:49,575 --> 00:47:50,909 My acting? 539 00:47:51,118 --> 00:47:55,205 My acting? My acting just got a thousand people killed. 540 00:47:55,289 --> 00:47:56,748 Jesus, I've done it again. 541 00:47:56,832 --> 00:47:59,960 Pull yourself together, Gary. We need you now more than ever. 542 00:48:00,044 --> 00:48:02,629 -I'm through with this. -Gary, you can't go. 543 00:48:02,713 --> 00:48:04,297 Without you, the team is doomed. 544 00:48:04,382 --> 00:48:07,634 Remember, there is no "I" in Team America. 545 00:48:07,969 --> 00:48:09,469 Yes, there is. 546 00:48:12,807 --> 00:48:14,391 I know it's hard, Gary. 547 00:48:14,475 --> 00:48:17,477 But you're still the only hope to stop these newer terrorists. 548 00:48:17,562 --> 00:48:19,813 Why me? Why am I the only one? 549 00:48:21,357 --> 00:48:22,524 Because you're the one with the power to... 550 00:48:22,608 --> 00:48:24,401 Well, I don't want the fucking power! 551 00:48:27,154 --> 00:48:29,030 I don't want the guilt, I don't want the shame 552 00:48:29,115 --> 00:48:30,865 and I don't want the responsibility. 553 00:48:31,784 --> 00:48:34,619 Then what about all the things you promised last night? 554 00:48:34,704 --> 00:48:36,830 You said you'd never leave. 555 00:48:37,331 --> 00:48:41,376 I said I'd never die. But now I'm dead inside. 556 00:48:43,129 --> 00:48:44,879 You slept with Gary? 557 00:48:47,341 --> 00:48:50,093 -Sarah. -But you knew I liked Gary. 558 00:48:50,177 --> 00:48:51,553 I told you. 559 00:48:52,513 --> 00:48:54,180 You like Gary? 560 00:48:55,433 --> 00:48:56,850 Oh, I see. 561 00:48:58,019 --> 00:49:00,729 -I didn't plan on it happening, Sarah. -Save it, Lisa. 562 00:49:03,024 --> 00:49:05,692 You see? All I do is hurt people. 563 00:49:06,611 --> 00:49:09,821 Gary, you didn't kill your brother. Those gorillas did. 564 00:49:14,201 --> 00:49:16,202 I'm sorry I'm not the man you think I am. 565 00:49:17,079 --> 00:49:18,747 I'm just bad news. 566 00:49:20,499 --> 00:49:22,292 I'll never act again. 567 00:49:30,217 --> 00:49:32,218 Fuck him. We don't need an actor. 568 00:49:32,303 --> 00:49:35,055 We can take out the Derka Derkastanis the old-fashioned way. 569 00:49:35,681 --> 00:49:37,932 No. It would be a suicide mission. 570 00:49:38,017 --> 00:49:41,227 That's all right. I feel a little bit like dying. 571 00:49:44,649 --> 00:49:46,274 God damn it, Gary. 572 00:49:52,740 --> 00:49:57,327 -America -Fuck, yeah 573 00:49:58,371 --> 00:50:03,958 Coming again to save The motherfucking day, yeah 574 00:50:04,293 --> 00:50:09,172 -America -Fuck, yeah 575 00:50:09,507 --> 00:50:15,303 Freedom is the only way Yeah 576 00:50:15,721 --> 00:50:20,725 Terrorists, your game is through 577 00:50:20,851 --> 00:50:26,022 'Cause now you have to answer to 578 00:50:26,440 --> 00:50:31,611 -America -Fuck, yeah 579 00:50:32,405 --> 00:50:37,325 America Fuck 580 00:50:37,702 --> 00:50:40,745 Gary! Help me! Get this thing off of me! Gary! 581 00:50:44,333 --> 00:50:47,544 All right, team. We're nearing Derka Derkastan. 582 00:50:48,504 --> 00:50:49,629 Let's get ready. 583 00:50:51,298 --> 00:50:54,092 Look out! We've got terrorist aircraft. 584 00:50:59,515 --> 00:51:01,725 There's only five of them, team. This should be easy. 585 00:51:01,809 --> 00:51:03,435 I've got Korean aircraft at one o'clock. 586 00:51:05,521 --> 00:51:07,522 What are they doing here? 587 00:51:12,027 --> 00:51:14,195 Shoot them down. Rike dogs. 588 00:51:14,530 --> 00:51:16,990 Kim Jong II? Why is he helping terrorists? 589 00:51:25,374 --> 00:51:26,666 I've got one on my tail! 590 00:51:28,544 --> 00:51:30,336 I got you, Sarah. 591 00:51:34,800 --> 00:51:36,801 Bring in the submarines. 592 00:51:39,513 --> 00:51:42,932 What the hell? Something's shooting at us from the water. 593 00:51:43,350 --> 00:51:46,311 -It must be a Korean sub. -Chris, you've gotta take them out. 594 00:51:46,395 --> 00:51:48,062 I'm already on it. 595 00:51:54,820 --> 00:51:56,529 These guys really snuck up on us. 596 00:51:56,614 --> 00:51:58,990 Yeah, there's a lot of that going around lately. 597 00:51:59,366 --> 00:52:01,576 Sarah, you know I didn't mean to hurt you. 598 00:52:01,660 --> 00:52:04,037 No, you just didn't care if you did. 599 00:52:05,581 --> 00:52:07,373 Now, come on, Sarah, that isn't fair. 600 00:52:07,792 --> 00:52:10,335 Lisa can't help it if Gary has feelings for her. 601 00:52:10,419 --> 00:52:14,214 Just like nobody can help it if you have feelings for Gary. 602 00:52:18,719 --> 00:52:20,136 What is that supposed to mean? 603 00:52:20,221 --> 00:52:22,055 Oh, come on, Sarah. You mean you never realised 604 00:52:22,139 --> 00:52:24,432 Joe has feelings for you? 605 00:52:27,394 --> 00:52:30,021 Joe? But you're like a brother to me. 606 00:52:31,482 --> 00:52:34,442 That's all I ever am. Like a brother. It isn't fair. 607 00:52:41,075 --> 00:52:43,743 Hang on, team. Someone has broken into the hangar. 608 00:52:43,828 --> 00:52:46,579 -Baxter? -Hey, Team America. 609 00:52:46,747 --> 00:52:48,748 I got something for you. 610 00:52:48,916 --> 00:52:51,835 -What the hell? -Prepare to die. 611 00:52:55,256 --> 00:52:57,841 Jesus titty-fucking... 612 00:53:01,220 --> 00:53:02,762 ...Christ! 613 00:53:03,597 --> 00:53:04,764 Spottswoode! 614 00:53:07,476 --> 00:53:08,518 Oh, my God! 615 00:53:09,854 --> 00:53:12,397 No. He can't be dead. 616 00:53:13,774 --> 00:53:15,525 We've lost I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. 617 00:53:15,609 --> 00:53:18,361 l repeat, we have no l.N.T.E.L.L.l.G.E.N.C.E. 618 00:53:18,445 --> 00:53:21,114 Their computers are down. Attack! 619 00:53:25,661 --> 00:53:28,413 -Sarah! -I sense I'm going down. 620 00:53:30,833 --> 00:53:32,834 Sarah! God, Chris, you gotta help her. 621 00:53:32,918 --> 00:53:35,378 I'm on it. Just hang on, Sarah. 622 00:53:38,007 --> 00:53:40,133 Oh, fuck, I've been hit. 623 00:53:40,342 --> 00:53:42,010 Chris, come in. 624 00:53:42,970 --> 00:53:44,888 -Oh, Jesus, I'm hit! -Lisa! 625 00:53:44,972 --> 00:53:46,222 -Going down. -God damn it, 626 00:53:46,307 --> 00:53:48,349 I'm gonna have to breach. 627 00:53:51,395 --> 00:53:53,313 I'm gonna hit the water. 628 00:53:54,648 --> 00:53:56,399 Missile lock. I've got missile lock. 629 00:53:56,483 --> 00:53:58,276 I've gotta bail out. 630 00:54:15,336 --> 00:54:19,756 Salvage their ships. If you find anyone arive, you know what to do with them. 631 00:54:22,718 --> 00:54:24,510 Terrorists on screen. 632 00:54:25,679 --> 00:54:28,806 Okay, who brew up Panama Canal? 633 00:54:29,892 --> 00:54:31,935 We were angry about Cairo. 634 00:54:32,186 --> 00:54:34,228 God damn it, how many times do I have to tell you? 635 00:54:34,313 --> 00:54:37,273 You don't use the WMDs until you see the signal. 636 00:54:37,358 --> 00:54:39,275 I have worked ten years on this pran. 637 00:54:39,401 --> 00:54:42,195 It is a very precise and a compricated pran. 638 00:54:42,321 --> 00:54:44,364 I am sick of you terrorists fucking it up. 639 00:54:44,448 --> 00:54:46,366 Now, take the weapons where I told you 640 00:54:46,450 --> 00:54:49,827 and wait for the goddamn signal this time. Goodbye. 641 00:54:51,747 --> 00:54:54,207 Why is everyone so fucking stupid? 642 00:54:55,793 --> 00:54:58,294 Why aren't more people interrigent? Rike me? 643 00:55:01,632 --> 00:55:05,802 I'm so ronery 644 00:55:05,886 --> 00:55:07,136 So ronery 645 00:55:07,972 --> 00:55:11,391 So ronery and sadry arone 646 00:55:11,850 --> 00:55:16,270 There's no one Just me onry 647 00:55:16,563 --> 00:55:20,483 Sitting on my rittle throne 648 00:55:20,567 --> 00:55:24,570 I work rearry hard And make up great prans 649 00:55:24,655 --> 00:55:28,908 But nobody ristens No one understands 650 00:55:29,076 --> 00:55:35,123 Seems rike no one Takes me seriousry 651 00:55:35,749 --> 00:55:36,916 And so 652 00:55:37,376 --> 00:55:39,252 I'm ronery 653 00:55:41,255 --> 00:55:43,631 A rittle ronery 654 00:55:43,716 --> 00:55:47,760 Poor rittle me 655 00:55:53,142 --> 00:55:58,187 There's nobody I can rerate to 656 00:55:58,272 --> 00:56:02,025 Feel rike a bird in a cage 657 00:56:02,109 --> 00:56:05,903 It's kind of sirry But not rearry 658 00:56:05,988 --> 00:56:09,782 Because it's firring my body With rage 659 00:56:09,867 --> 00:56:14,662 I'm the smartest, most crever Most physicarry fit 660 00:56:14,747 --> 00:56:18,833 But nobody else seems to rearise it 661 00:56:18,917 --> 00:56:25,131 When I change the world Maybe they'll notice me 662 00:56:25,466 --> 00:56:26,883 And until then 663 00:56:26,967 --> 00:56:29,594 I'll just be ronery 664 00:56:30,763 --> 00:56:33,306 Yeah, a rittle ronery 665 00:56:33,849 --> 00:56:38,144 Poor rittle me 666 00:56:42,900 --> 00:56:48,863 I'm so ronery 667 00:57:05,839 --> 00:57:07,465 What would you do 668 00:57:08,175 --> 00:57:11,219 If you were asked to give up Your dreams for freedom? 669 00:57:13,347 --> 00:57:16,682 What would you do if asked To make the ultimate sacrifice? 670 00:57:16,809 --> 00:57:19,602 Hey, weren't you the actor in that Broadway show? 671 00:57:20,020 --> 00:57:23,481 Hey, yeah, it is you. Do that scene where everyone gets AIDS. 672 00:57:24,525 --> 00:57:27,401 I don't act any more. I gave that up. 673 00:57:28,403 --> 00:57:31,948 -Oh, come on, man, just a scene. -I said, get away from me! 674 00:57:32,032 --> 00:57:35,785 I'm completely lost. I've hit rock bottom. 675 00:57:35,869 --> 00:57:38,955 Easy, easy. You gotta calm down there, Chuck. 676 00:57:39,039 --> 00:57:41,207 I hurt people. I'm a dick. 677 00:57:42,209 --> 00:57:44,544 Well, being a dick ain't so bad. 678 00:57:44,878 --> 00:57:46,712 See, there are three kinds of people, 679 00:57:46,797 --> 00:57:48,923 dicks, pussies and assholes. 680 00:57:49,550 --> 00:57:53,136 Pussies think everyone can get along and dicks just wanna fuck all the time 681 00:57:53,220 --> 00:57:54,804 without thinking it through. 682 00:57:54,888 --> 00:57:57,181 But then you got your assholes, Chuck. 683 00:57:57,391 --> 00:58:00,476 And all the assholes want is to shit all over everything. 684 00:58:01,353 --> 00:58:04,772 So pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while 685 00:58:04,857 --> 00:58:06,399 because pussies get fucked by dicks. 686 00:58:07,025 --> 00:58:10,528 But dicks also fuck assholes, Chuck. 687 00:58:10,612 --> 00:58:13,239 And if they didn't fuck the assholes, you know what you'd get? 688 00:58:13,490 --> 00:58:17,118 You'd get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit. 689 00:58:18,412 --> 00:58:21,372 All right, that does it. Get out of here, you drunk lowlife. 690 00:58:28,755 --> 00:58:30,256 Get out of here, I said. 691 00:58:39,349 --> 00:58:40,600 Lisa! 692 00:58:41,602 --> 00:58:44,937 Lisa. Lisa, are you here? 693 00:58:47,316 --> 00:58:49,942 Get out of the street, you fucking bum! 694 00:58:55,282 --> 00:58:57,617 You gave up on life, didn't you? 695 01:00:21,326 --> 01:00:24,620 My fellow actors, we live in a dark time. 696 01:00:24,871 --> 01:00:27,164 The world is becoming more and more violent 697 01:00:27,249 --> 01:00:29,292 and the idiots in charge are making it worse. 698 01:00:29,710 --> 01:00:33,838 What the world needs is an international advisory committee 699 01:00:33,922 --> 01:00:36,549 who truly understands global politics. 700 01:00:36,717 --> 01:00:38,217 Namely, us. 701 01:00:41,638 --> 01:00:44,140 The time has come for us to start using our acting talents 702 01:00:44,224 --> 01:00:45,850 in a different way. 703 01:00:45,934 --> 01:00:49,478 Yes, we can use our powers to change the world. 704 01:00:52,316 --> 01:00:55,735 We will persuade everyone to drive hybrid cars and stop smoking. 705 01:00:55,986 --> 01:00:58,821 If we focus our acting on global politics, 706 01:00:58,905 --> 01:01:01,407 we can change everything and stuff. 707 01:01:04,494 --> 01:01:07,997 As actors, it is our responsibility to read the newspapers 708 01:01:08,081 --> 01:01:12,043 and then say what we read on television like it's our own opinion. 709 01:01:12,919 --> 01:01:14,295 Matt Damon. 710 01:01:15,088 --> 01:01:16,797 We've all done action films. 711 01:01:16,882 --> 01:01:19,592 If anyone tries to get in our way, we'll show them just how tough 712 01:01:20,844 --> 01:01:22,636 us actors really are. 713 01:01:26,016 --> 01:01:27,767 I'm glad you all agree. 714 01:01:27,851 --> 01:01:31,812 Because I've just been contacted by a very important political leader 715 01:01:31,897 --> 01:01:34,523 who is bringing all the world leaders together 716 01:01:34,608 --> 01:01:37,485 for a massive international peace conference. 717 01:01:37,569 --> 01:01:41,822 And he wants us to be the keynote speakers. 718 01:01:44,451 --> 01:01:45,910 Matt Damon! 719 01:01:48,121 --> 01:01:50,331 Say hello to our new partner. 720 01:01:51,458 --> 01:01:52,666 Herro. 721 01:02:01,885 --> 01:02:04,053 Stop it! Stop it, you're killing him! 722 01:02:06,431 --> 01:02:08,516 I'm gonna fucking kill you! 723 01:02:08,642 --> 01:02:13,729 You're not in a position to kill anyone, my red, white and brue friend. 724 01:02:14,481 --> 01:02:17,691 So you're the bastard planning 9/11 times 1,000. 725 01:02:18,568 --> 01:02:20,778 No. You think so small. 726 01:02:21,405 --> 01:02:25,449 You see, I'm about to have an eraborate peace ceremony. 727 01:02:25,534 --> 01:02:29,912 And while all the world's most important people are distracted here, 728 01:02:29,996 --> 01:02:31,997 I will detonate the WMDs 729 01:02:32,290 --> 01:02:36,043 which I have given to terrorists arr around the grobe. 730 01:02:37,504 --> 01:02:42,842 It will be 9/11 times 2,356. 731 01:02:44,136 --> 01:02:47,430 My God, that's... I don't even know what that is. 732 01:02:48,598 --> 01:02:50,141 Nobody does. 733 01:02:50,684 --> 01:02:53,519 You heartless bastard. Why would you do such a thing? 734 01:02:53,603 --> 01:02:55,771 Because then there will be barance. 735 01:02:55,856 --> 01:02:58,357 Every country will be a Third World country. 736 01:02:58,692 --> 01:03:00,276 Just imagine it. 737 01:03:00,610 --> 01:03:04,280 All around the world, there will be massive exprosions. 738 01:03:04,364 --> 01:03:05,656 With nobody to guide them, 739 01:03:05,740 --> 01:03:09,785 the people will break out into panic and rioting all over the Earth. 740 01:03:09,870 --> 01:03:13,038 The true nature of humanity is unreashed. 741 01:03:13,290 --> 01:03:16,250 Dog eats dog, as everyone attacks everyone 742 01:03:16,334 --> 01:03:18,669 and fends only for themselves. 743 01:03:18,753 --> 01:03:20,838 Grobal stabirity unravels. 744 01:03:21,214 --> 01:03:26,218 By the time my show is over, it will be far too rate. 745 01:03:33,143 --> 01:03:34,351 Your plan will fail. 746 01:03:34,436 --> 01:03:37,855 You'll never keep the world leaders distracted here for nine hours. 747 01:03:38,023 --> 01:03:42,443 Oh, no? I've got Arec Barrwin. 748 01:03:43,445 --> 01:03:44,737 Dear God. 749 01:03:45,405 --> 01:03:50,242 You are the rast of a dying breed, the frag-waving American. 750 01:03:50,911 --> 01:03:53,579 Well, your rittle dream will soon be over. 751 01:03:55,248 --> 01:03:57,500 I must get back to pranning the ceremony now. 752 01:03:58,126 --> 01:04:00,544 The film actors are on their way. 753 01:04:00,629 --> 01:04:03,255 Perhaps they'll stop in and say herro. 754 01:04:05,133 --> 01:04:09,762 Having so little faith in humanity must make you a very lonely man. 755 01:04:17,896 --> 01:04:20,231 You shall have a front-row seat. 756 01:04:20,857 --> 01:04:22,650 Bring her upstairs. 757 01:04:22,817 --> 01:04:25,194 Leave her alone, you son of a bitch! 758 01:04:25,362 --> 01:04:28,280 Lisa, I treasure your friendship! 759 01:04:29,950 --> 01:04:32,034 Somebody has to stop this! 760 01:04:39,417 --> 01:04:44,421 l miss you more than Michael Bay missed the mark 761 01:04:44,798 --> 01:04:47,508 When he made Pearl Harbor 762 01:04:47,634 --> 01:04:52,638 I miss you more than that movie missed the point 763 01:04:52,973 --> 01:04:56,892 And that's an awful lot, girl And now 764 01:04:57,102 --> 01:04:59,520 Now you've gone away 765 01:05:00,647 --> 01:05:03,482 And all I'm trying to say 766 01:05:03,817 --> 01:05:05,985 Is Pearl Harbor sucked 767 01:05:06,069 --> 01:05:09,154 And I miss you 768 01:05:12,701 --> 01:05:16,954 l need you like Ben Affleck Needs acting school 769 01:05:17,581 --> 01:05:20,374 He was terrible in that film 770 01:05:20,709 --> 01:05:25,129 I need you like Cuba Gooding Needed a bigger part 771 01:05:25,755 --> 01:05:29,592 He's way better than Ben Affleck And now 772 01:05:29,843 --> 01:05:33,304 All I can think about is your smile 773 01:05:33,513 --> 01:05:36,056 And that shitty movie, too 774 01:05:36,641 --> 01:05:38,559 Pearl Harbor sucked 775 01:05:39,477 --> 01:05:42,396 And I miss you 776 01:05:45,275 --> 01:05:48,068 Pearl Harbor sucked 777 01:05:50,113 --> 01:05:54,283 Just a little bit more Than I miss you 778 01:05:56,411 --> 01:05:58,871 Oh, my God. What the hell happened? 779 01:06:19,059 --> 01:06:21,352 Hello? Anybody? 780 01:06:24,064 --> 01:06:26,649 Greetings, Mr Johnston. 781 01:06:27,025 --> 01:06:29,026 I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E., what the hell happened? 782 01:06:29,152 --> 01:06:33,072 Our base was attacked by a giant socialist weasel. 783 01:06:33,740 --> 01:06:35,491 But where's the team? 784 01:06:35,575 --> 01:06:39,662 They have been taken prisoner by Kim Jong II in North Korea. 785 01:06:39,746 --> 01:06:42,665 I have intercepeed communications that he is planning 786 01:06:42,749 --> 01:06:45,668 the massive attack during a peace ceremony. 787 01:06:46,211 --> 01:06:49,004 Don't move, protester, or I'll blow your commie brains out. 788 01:06:49,464 --> 01:06:51,965 -Spottswoode. -Johnston? 789 01:06:52,759 --> 01:06:54,343 What the hell are you doing here? 790 01:06:54,427 --> 01:06:55,552 Get away from I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. 791 01:06:55,637 --> 01:06:57,930 I'm using it to blow up North Korea. 792 01:06:58,014 --> 01:06:59,973 No! The team is in North Korea. 793 01:07:00,058 --> 01:07:04,770 I know. And so are the triggers to WMDs poised all around the globe. 794 01:07:05,063 --> 01:07:07,147 My only option now is to blow up Kim Jong II 795 01:07:07,232 --> 01:07:09,274 and everything around him before he can set them off. 796 01:07:10,110 --> 01:07:12,945 I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E., initiate detonation sequence on the ships. 797 01:07:13,113 --> 01:07:14,697 You'll kill them all. 798 01:07:14,781 --> 01:07:16,699 It's what they would want me to do, Gary. 799 01:07:17,033 --> 01:07:18,992 They would happily give their lives for the good of the world, 800 01:07:19,077 --> 01:07:22,204 -something you don't understand! -There has to be another way. 801 01:07:22,497 --> 01:07:24,748 There's nobody left to stop Kim Jong II. 802 01:07:26,084 --> 01:07:27,418 Let me go. 803 01:07:28,837 --> 01:07:31,296 You? You're a buttfucking quitter. 804 01:07:32,006 --> 01:07:34,675 You walked out, Gary. The team went on a mission without you. 805 01:07:34,801 --> 01:07:36,677 And without an actor, they were like pigs to the slaughter. 806 01:07:36,803 --> 01:07:39,471 I'm supposed to leave the fate of the world in your hands? 807 01:07:39,556 --> 01:07:42,349 I know I walked out, but I'd do anything to take it back. 808 01:07:42,434 --> 01:07:45,310 -Please, just let me help. -You've done enough. 809 01:07:45,979 --> 01:07:48,480 Please, Spottswoode, you have to believe in me. 810 01:07:51,234 --> 01:07:54,570 I want to believe in you, Gary, I really do. 811 01:07:55,238 --> 01:07:57,489 But you've let me down before. 812 01:07:58,283 --> 01:08:00,492 Please, how can I make you trust me? 813 01:08:03,121 --> 01:08:05,664 I remember the first time we met. 814 01:08:06,040 --> 01:08:08,751 You were a simple Broadway actor afraid to get in my limo 815 01:08:08,835 --> 01:08:12,337 because you thought I wanted you to perform oral sex on me. 816 01:08:12,422 --> 01:08:14,214 Do you remember that? 817 01:08:14,799 --> 01:08:15,883 Yeah. 818 01:08:16,718 --> 01:08:21,263 And now the tables are turned, and I don't know if I can trust you. 819 01:08:23,683 --> 01:08:26,518 Just give me a chance. 820 01:08:30,231 --> 01:08:32,274 All right, I'll trust you. 821 01:08:33,359 --> 01:08:35,027 But only if you 822 01:08:35,445 --> 01:08:37,613 will perform oral sex on me. 823 01:08:39,824 --> 01:08:42,409 -What? -Right here, right now. 824 01:08:45,455 --> 01:08:48,540 -You can't be serious. -Oh, I am serious. 825 01:08:48,625 --> 01:08:51,752 Look, this is my serious face. 826 01:08:53,880 --> 01:08:56,632 -What will that prove? -It will prove that you are truly ready 827 01:08:56,716 --> 01:08:58,133 to lay everything on the line. 828 01:08:58,218 --> 01:09:00,594 To throw away all your inhibitions and give 100%. 829 01:09:00,678 --> 01:09:03,263 We must go back to that first night we met, that first issue of trust. 830 01:09:03,348 --> 01:09:06,141 -Don't you see? -No. I thought you weren't gay. 831 01:09:06,226 --> 01:09:08,560 This isn't about sex, Gary, it's about trust. 832 01:09:09,020 --> 01:09:12,481 It's the eye of the needle, Gary, and we must both pass through it. 833 01:09:17,153 --> 01:09:18,904 Okay, let's do it. 834 01:09:21,658 --> 01:09:24,076 I'll make sure nobody's watching. 835 01:09:24,160 --> 01:09:25,953 Yeah, it looks clear. 836 01:09:26,371 --> 01:09:27,621 Okay, go. 837 01:09:29,624 --> 01:09:31,083 There must be another way. 838 01:09:32,126 --> 01:09:34,878 I guess you won't do everything to take it all back, will you, Gary? 839 01:09:34,963 --> 01:09:37,297 No, no, no. Wait, wait, hold on. 840 01:09:37,674 --> 01:09:41,718 You're saying if I do that, you'll let me help the team? 841 01:09:42,887 --> 01:09:45,264 I'll give you all the time I can. 842 01:09:48,351 --> 01:09:50,018 Okay, let's do it. 843 01:09:51,104 --> 01:09:52,437 Here we go. 844 01:09:53,231 --> 01:09:54,439 And go. 845 01:10:23,970 --> 01:10:25,804 You are dedicated. 846 01:10:26,514 --> 01:10:27,848 Now, let's go get cleaned up. 847 01:10:28,141 --> 01:10:30,642 If you're going to storm Kim Jong II's palace single-handed, 848 01:10:30,727 --> 01:10:33,812 we have to make you a complete soldier in very little time. 849 01:10:35,023 --> 01:10:36,815 How we gonna do that? 850 01:10:36,941 --> 01:10:40,193 I think I knowjust what we need. 851 01:10:44,741 --> 01:10:47,242 The hour's approaching To give it your best 852 01:10:47,327 --> 01:10:49,953 And you've got to reach your prime 853 01:10:50,997 --> 01:10:53,790 That's when you need to put yourself to the test 854 01:10:53,875 --> 01:10:56,168 And show us a passage of time 855 01:10:56,336 --> 01:10:59,796 -We're gonna need a montage -Montage 856 01:10:59,881 --> 01:11:03,050 -It takes a montage -Montage 857 01:11:03,134 --> 01:11:06,303 Show a lot of things Happening at once 858 01:11:06,387 --> 01:11:09,473 Remind everyone Of what's going on 859 01:11:09,557 --> 01:11:12,684 And with every shot Show a little improvement 860 01:11:12,769 --> 01:11:15,270 To show it all would take too long 861 01:11:15,355 --> 01:11:18,440 -That's called a montage -Montage 862 01:11:18,524 --> 01:11:22,444 -Girl, we want a montage -Montage 863 01:11:22,528 --> 01:11:25,405 In anything, if you want to go 864 01:11:25,490 --> 01:11:28,325 From just a beginner to a pro 865 01:11:28,409 --> 01:11:31,203 -You need a montage -Montage 866 01:11:31,287 --> 01:11:35,749 -Even Rocky had a montage -Montage 867 01:11:35,833 --> 01:11:41,463 -Always fade out in a montage -Montage 868 01:11:41,547 --> 01:11:44,883 If you fade out It seems like more time has passed 869 01:11:44,968 --> 01:11:47,678 -In a montage -Montage 870 01:11:58,356 --> 01:12:00,148 Radies and gentlemen. 871 01:12:00,400 --> 01:12:04,403 The Film Actors Guild and Kim Jong II are preased to welcome you 872 01:12:04,487 --> 01:12:09,157 to the International World Peace Ceremony. 873 01:12:10,410 --> 01:12:13,161 The most important people from every country 874 01:12:13,246 --> 01:12:17,666 are gathered here in soridarity to cerebrate peace. 875 01:12:17,750 --> 01:12:20,627 There will be music, dancing and, of course, 876 01:12:20,712 --> 01:12:23,338 the biggest stars in Horrywood. 877 01:12:23,423 --> 01:12:27,509 In the box to your reft is the mastermind of this spectacurar show, 878 01:12:27,593 --> 01:12:30,762 the multitarented Kim Jong II. 879 01:12:32,098 --> 01:12:33,765 Oh, herro. 880 01:12:35,101 --> 01:12:40,063 And now we present to you the very best in North Korean music. 881 01:12:59,167 --> 01:13:02,377 Ten years of pranning, and finarry the night is here. 882 01:13:02,462 --> 01:13:06,840 The terrorists know to be in position by the time Arec Barrwin takes the stage. 883 01:13:06,924 --> 01:13:10,927 That's when I trigger all the WMDs to go off at the same time. 884 01:13:11,012 --> 01:13:13,055 When you see Arec Barrwin, 885 01:13:13,139 --> 01:13:16,933 you will see the true ugriness of human nature. 886 01:13:17,518 --> 01:13:20,270 Your plan will never work. Something will stop it. 887 01:13:21,856 --> 01:13:24,316 You stupid, naive Team Americans. 888 01:13:24,692 --> 01:13:26,568 You berieve in true rove and happy endings 889 01:13:26,652 --> 01:13:29,488 even while the world around you spirals downward. 890 01:13:30,907 --> 01:13:34,284 Sometimes believing is all we have. 891 01:13:37,163 --> 01:13:39,998 And as the leaders of your countries, you have the power 892 01:13:40,083 --> 01:13:44,628 to bring the world together under the principles of the Film Actors Guild. 893 01:13:45,755 --> 01:13:47,172 You're gonna knock them dead, Alec. 894 01:13:48,966 --> 01:13:51,009 Ten minutes, Mr Baldwin. 895 01:14:01,479 --> 01:14:03,271 Who the hell you? 896 01:14:03,356 --> 01:14:06,608 I'm with the Film Actors Guild. I'm here to help with the broadcast. 897 01:14:06,692 --> 01:14:08,401 Then you show credentials. 898 01:14:08,486 --> 01:14:10,529 Hey, you don't need to see my credentials. 899 01:14:10,613 --> 01:14:12,697 I left them at home and I'm running late. 900 01:14:13,699 --> 01:14:16,034 -I berieve him. -Yeah, me, too. 901 01:14:16,369 --> 01:14:18,703 Okay, have a nice day. 902 01:14:18,788 --> 01:14:20,997 My God, his acting is better than ever. 903 01:14:37,265 --> 01:14:40,517 Don't worry, fellas, I've got my pass right here. 904 01:14:50,570 --> 01:14:52,362 Please, Mr Sheen, Mr Robbins, 905 01:14:52,446 --> 01:14:54,406 you don't understand what Kim Jong II is doing. 906 01:14:54,782 --> 01:14:58,577 Shut up. We have explicit instructions to watch you. 907 01:14:58,744 --> 01:15:01,872 -Yeah. We're supposed to be guards. -We're guards. 908 01:15:01,998 --> 01:15:05,167 -We're guards, huh? We're guards. -We're guards. 909 01:15:05,251 --> 01:15:08,879 Mr Sheen, Mr Robbins. Someone has broken into the main hall. 910 01:15:08,963 --> 01:15:10,964 What? Come on, Martin! 911 01:15:21,851 --> 01:15:24,686 -Gary? -What the fuck are you doing here? 912 01:15:24,770 --> 01:15:26,730 Guys, are you all right? Where's Lisa? 913 01:15:27,690 --> 01:15:29,774 What the heck do you care? You walked out on her. 914 01:15:30,026 --> 01:15:31,693 Look, I wanna make things right. 915 01:15:31,777 --> 01:15:33,695 Here, Spottswoode's monitoring from the base. 916 01:15:33,779 --> 01:15:36,740 -Spottswoode is dead, Gary. -Not as dead as you think. 917 01:15:36,824 --> 01:15:40,035 -Spottswoode! -Yes, I'm here, Joe. 918 01:15:40,369 --> 01:15:43,538 -All right, you're alive! -Great to hear your voices again. 919 01:15:43,623 --> 01:15:46,458 Now we've got to get Lisa and stop Kim Jong II. 920 01:15:46,542 --> 01:15:48,752 I'm not going anywhere with this fucking traitor. 921 01:15:48,836 --> 01:15:50,962 What makes you think we'll take you back, douchebag? 922 01:15:51,130 --> 01:15:53,632 -We're doing this without you! -Now, hold on, team. 923 01:15:53,799 --> 01:15:55,217 Gary has already proven to me 924 01:15:55,301 --> 01:15:57,761 that he is 100% committed to the team. 925 01:15:57,845 --> 01:16:00,680 He proved it last night by sucking my cock. 926 01:16:05,186 --> 01:16:07,646 All right. Come on, team, we gotta find that stage. 927 01:16:08,564 --> 01:16:12,442 Rook how much they rove my show. The entire audience is so captivated. 928 01:16:19,992 --> 01:16:23,203 And now you see, the new world is inevitabre. 929 01:16:24,163 --> 01:16:27,457 -It's what? -Inevitabre. 930 01:16:28,292 --> 01:16:30,085 -One more time. -Inevitabre! 931 01:16:30,294 --> 01:16:32,254 Things are inevitabry going to change. 932 01:16:33,047 --> 01:16:35,298 God damn it, open your fucking ears. 933 01:16:37,843 --> 01:16:39,970 -Five minutes, Mr Baldwin. -Thank you. 934 01:16:40,179 --> 01:16:44,182 -Alec, we have a problem. -Team America escaped. 935 01:16:45,059 --> 01:16:47,936 What? You fools. They'll ruin everything. 936 01:16:48,020 --> 01:16:49,980 We better warn everyone. They'll be headed here. 937 01:16:50,773 --> 01:16:53,775 No. We can't look weak and powerless. 938 01:16:53,859 --> 01:16:57,279 If violence is all those bastards understand, then violence they'll get. 939 01:16:57,363 --> 01:16:59,322 Every actor, grab a gun and keep Team America 940 01:16:59,407 --> 01:17:01,574 from reaching this ceremony at all costs. 941 01:17:06,831 --> 01:17:10,041 I swear they won't reach this stage. 942 01:17:27,810 --> 01:17:29,311 Jesus! What have we got? 943 01:17:29,395 --> 01:17:32,314 Looks like George Clooney and Liv Tyler, 20 yards. 944 01:17:34,483 --> 01:17:36,526 Look out, it's Ethan Hawke and Janeane Garofalo. 945 01:17:42,700 --> 01:17:44,367 Drop your weapons. 946 01:17:44,660 --> 01:17:46,077 Fucking die! 947 01:17:48,414 --> 01:17:49,539 We gotta split up. 948 01:17:49,623 --> 01:17:52,125 Sarah, you and Gary go that way. Chris and I will go right. 949 01:17:52,418 --> 01:17:54,961 No, I think I'd rather team up with you, Joe. 950 01:17:57,256 --> 01:17:59,591 I guess you're with me, cockfag. 951 01:18:01,594 --> 01:18:03,011 -Danny Glover! -Come on, Penn. 952 01:18:03,095 --> 01:18:05,138 -We must protect the show. -Right. 953 01:18:07,058 --> 01:18:09,642 -The stage must be that way. -No. Joe, Sarah, it's a trap! 954 01:18:16,108 --> 01:18:17,859 Very impressive, warmongers. 955 01:18:17,943 --> 01:18:22,113 Now let's see how Kim Jong II's panthers treat you. 956 01:18:25,117 --> 01:18:27,327 I went to Iraq, you know! 957 01:18:33,417 --> 01:18:36,044 -Susan Sarandon. -Oh, thank God. 958 01:18:36,128 --> 01:18:38,630 We have to stop the ceremony. Kim Jong II is mad. 959 01:18:38,714 --> 01:18:40,673 Here, let me loose. I'll show you where the theatre is. 960 01:18:41,217 --> 01:18:43,885 -All right. -No, Chris, stay away from her. 961 01:18:43,969 --> 01:18:48,306 -Fuck you. She wants to help us. -No, Chris, she's acting. 962 01:18:49,517 --> 01:18:51,226 I am not. The others tied me up 963 01:18:51,310 --> 01:18:53,395 because I wouldn't go along with their plans. 964 01:18:53,521 --> 01:18:55,855 Your skills are fading with age, Miss Sarandon. 965 01:18:57,817 --> 01:19:00,151 You shall die a peasant's death! 966 01:19:09,829 --> 01:19:11,913 Jesus titty-fucking Christ. 967 01:19:11,997 --> 01:19:13,623 I could've sworn she was telling the truth. 968 01:19:13,874 --> 01:19:17,252 That's why they call it acting. Come on, we gotta find Lisa. 969 01:19:18,170 --> 01:19:22,006 I was 19 years old when the musical Cats came to our town. 970 01:19:22,133 --> 01:19:24,175 I couldn't wait to see it. 971 01:19:25,553 --> 01:19:27,762 After the show, I was asked if I wanted to go meet 972 01:19:28,180 --> 01:19:31,850 some of the performers backstage. Man, I was thrilled. 973 01:19:31,934 --> 01:19:35,687 But when I got back there, they were drunk and out of control. 974 01:19:36,689 --> 01:19:39,983 Rumpus Cat and Macavity kept feeling up my leg. 975 01:19:40,067 --> 01:19:43,027 I tried to leave, but Rumpleteazer held me down and... 976 01:19:45,239 --> 01:19:47,866 I was raped by Mr Mistoffelees. 977 01:19:52,329 --> 01:19:54,747 That's why you don't trust actors. 978 01:19:58,377 --> 01:20:00,587 I'm sorry I've been so hard on you. 979 01:20:00,671 --> 01:20:02,881 If there's still a world left when this is all over, 980 01:20:03,257 --> 01:20:05,383 I'd like to buy you a beer. 981 01:20:08,262 --> 01:20:09,929 Come on, let's go. We're running out of time. 982 01:20:14,727 --> 01:20:18,563 Sarah, before we die, I want to finally tell you that I love you. 983 01:20:20,065 --> 01:20:23,610 No. No, I'm not gonna let it end like this. 984 01:20:24,153 --> 01:20:27,864 We are not your enemy, furry ones. You will not attack us. 985 01:20:28,324 --> 01:20:32,076 Sarah, that isn't going to work. You don't really have mental powers. 986 01:20:32,244 --> 01:20:36,080 Your captors are behind you, Shebas. Show your anger to them. 987 01:20:57,269 --> 01:20:59,103 Sarah, you did it! 988 01:21:02,733 --> 01:21:04,192 Wait. Hold on. 989 01:21:05,361 --> 01:21:07,362 Spottswoode, I think we just found the entrance to the theatre. 990 01:21:07,446 --> 01:21:09,614 Have Sarah and Joe lock on to our... 991 01:21:10,658 --> 01:21:11,950 Gary! 992 01:21:12,993 --> 01:21:15,662 -Actors, ho! -Helen Hunt. 993 01:21:15,746 --> 01:21:17,455 Samuel Jackson. 994 01:21:18,624 --> 01:21:19,958 Matt Damon. 995 01:21:22,002 --> 01:21:23,670 Motherfucker. 996 01:21:24,880 --> 01:21:26,673 Gary, Chris, come in. 997 01:21:28,968 --> 01:21:33,179 And now, radies and gentlemen, Mr Arec Barrwin. 998 01:21:45,651 --> 01:21:48,736 We are here to usher in a new era without violence. 999 01:21:48,821 --> 01:21:51,197 By following the rules of the Film Actors Guild, 1000 01:21:51,282 --> 01:21:53,616 the world can become a better place 1001 01:21:53,701 --> 01:21:57,745 that handles dangerous people with talk and reasoning. 1002 01:21:57,830 --> 01:22:00,331 That is the F.A.G. way. 1003 01:22:01,667 --> 01:22:06,004 One day you'll all look at the world us actors created and say, 1004 01:22:06,088 --> 01:22:09,591 "Wow. Good going, F.A.G. 1005 01:22:09,675 --> 01:22:13,636 "You really made the world a better place, didn't you, F.A.G.?" 1006 01:22:13,721 --> 01:22:18,766 Yes, Arec Barrwin. Too bad there won't be a world reft. 1007 01:22:18,851 --> 01:22:20,268 Oh, God, no. 1008 01:22:20,978 --> 01:22:25,857 You see? No Prince Charming rode in on a white stallion to save the day. 1009 01:22:26,191 --> 01:22:28,067 This is the real world. 1010 01:22:28,694 --> 01:22:32,780 I'm afraid your world is over. 1011 01:22:33,073 --> 01:22:34,365 In five minutes. 1012 01:22:37,369 --> 01:22:39,287 Yes, the ticking crock. 1013 01:22:42,249 --> 01:22:46,294 Sorry, Team America, but you see, we must live in a time of peace. 1014 01:22:46,837 --> 01:22:49,130 Put down the gas can now. 1015 01:22:49,465 --> 01:22:50,798 Kill them. 1016 01:22:55,638 --> 01:22:56,971 Jackson! 1017 01:22:59,475 --> 01:23:01,309 Team, you've got to hurry. 1018 01:23:07,399 --> 01:23:09,609 Let's go, bitch. I've done action films. 1019 01:23:10,235 --> 01:23:11,694 Come on. 1020 01:23:33,884 --> 01:23:35,426 Matt Damon! 1021 01:23:46,146 --> 01:23:48,398 Come on, stop trying to hit me and hit me. 1022 01:23:55,698 --> 01:23:57,448 Don't fucking move! 1023 01:23:58,200 --> 01:24:00,118 Now, isn't that a shame. 1024 01:24:00,202 --> 01:24:02,286 You came so close to stopping peace. 1025 01:24:02,371 --> 01:24:05,540 But you see, peace always finds a way. 1026 01:24:05,624 --> 01:24:07,500 Goodbye, Team America. 1027 01:24:07,835 --> 01:24:10,336 I've just got one piece of bad news for you, Robbins. 1028 01:24:10,754 --> 01:24:14,132 -What's that? -I'm a smoker. 1029 01:24:33,152 --> 01:24:35,278 Now that the world is going to be run peacefully, 1030 01:24:35,362 --> 01:24:36,988 we should all drive hybrid cars. 1031 01:24:37,072 --> 01:24:39,449 Right now famiries are gathering in parks, 1032 01:24:39,533 --> 01:24:43,327 children are walking to school, friends are sitting in movie theatres. 1033 01:24:43,412 --> 01:24:47,915 All compretery unaware that the world is about to change forever. 1034 01:24:48,167 --> 01:24:49,834 All because of me. 1035 01:24:52,588 --> 01:24:54,088 Stop that man. 1036 01:24:56,175 --> 01:24:57,341 Gary! 1037 01:24:57,468 --> 01:25:00,428 -Team America? -God damn it. 1038 01:25:00,512 --> 01:25:03,014 Sorry to interrupt the show, everyone, but Kim Jong II 1039 01:25:03,098 --> 01:25:05,308 is an international criminal. We're here to arrest him. 1040 01:25:05,517 --> 01:25:07,351 Oh, no, you're not. 1041 01:25:07,603 --> 01:25:09,604 This is a peace conference. 1042 01:25:09,688 --> 01:25:12,148 And if you even try to touch Kim Jong II, 1043 01:25:12,316 --> 01:25:15,401 this audience and I will rise up against you. 1044 01:25:19,114 --> 01:25:20,114 Fuck off, Team America! 1045 01:25:20,199 --> 01:25:22,784 Team, there's no time. You have to convince that audience 1046 01:25:22,868 --> 01:25:24,994 to let you do yourjob. 1047 01:25:26,747 --> 01:25:31,417 -Gary, you've got to take the stage. -No. I can't upstage Alec Baldwin. 1048 01:25:31,502 --> 01:25:34,045 -He's the best actor in the world. -You have to try. 1049 01:25:34,379 --> 01:25:37,423 -I'm not that good. -Actually... 1050 01:25:37,883 --> 01:25:41,052 You're the finest actor I've ever met. 1051 01:25:48,852 --> 01:25:51,103 Come on, Gary, hurry. You've got to act fast. 1052 01:25:55,234 --> 01:25:58,236 I know you all don't like Team America a whole lot right now, 1053 01:25:59,238 --> 01:26:01,572 but Kim Jong II is a lot worse. 1054 01:26:04,576 --> 01:26:06,911 You can't out-act me, boy. Don't even try. 1055 01:26:08,247 --> 01:26:12,792 For the truth is that Team America fights for the billion-dollar corporations. 1056 01:26:13,252 --> 01:26:17,964 They are just as bad as the enemies they fight. 1057 01:26:21,510 --> 01:26:24,095 Oh, no, we aren't. We're dicks! 1058 01:26:29,268 --> 01:26:31,435 We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. 1059 01:26:34,273 --> 01:26:37,441 And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. 1060 01:26:39,945 --> 01:26:42,989 And Kim Jong II is an asshole. 1061 01:26:45,701 --> 01:26:50,079 Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. 1062 01:26:50,622 --> 01:26:54,125 But dicks also fuck assholes, 1063 01:26:54,626 --> 01:26:57,461 assholes who just wanna shit on everything. 1064 01:26:58,505 --> 01:27:01,716 Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. 1065 01:27:01,884 --> 01:27:04,135 But the only thing that can fuck an asshole 1066 01:27:04,344 --> 01:27:07,305 is a dick with some balls. 1067 01:27:10,809 --> 01:27:14,395 The problem with dicks is that sometimes they fuck too much. 1068 01:27:14,605 --> 01:27:18,941 -Or fuck when it isn't appropriate. -Yes, Gary, yes. 1069 01:27:19,526 --> 01:27:22,403 And it takes a pussy to show them that. 1070 01:27:22,487 --> 01:27:24,488 But sometimes pussies get so full of shit 1071 01:27:24,615 --> 01:27:26,616 that they become assholes themselves. 1072 01:27:27,868 --> 01:27:30,828 Because pussies are only an inch and a half away from assholes. 1073 01:27:33,457 --> 01:27:36,250 I don't know much in this crazy, crazy world, 1074 01:27:37,002 --> 01:27:42,006 but I do know that if you don't let us fuck this asshole, 1075 01:27:43,133 --> 01:27:46,052 we are gonna have our dicks and our pussies 1076 01:27:46,762 --> 01:27:48,679 all covered in shit. 1077 01:28:05,530 --> 01:28:07,657 Show us what you're doing, Kim Jong II. 1078 01:28:10,202 --> 01:28:12,328 Do something, Arec Barrwin! 1079 01:28:12,788 --> 01:28:16,499 The... Global warming and... Corporate America... 1080 01:28:19,002 --> 01:28:21,462 You are worthress, Arec Barrwin. 1081 01:28:31,598 --> 01:28:34,517 Don't fucking move! You were all going to be treated 1082 01:28:34,601 --> 01:28:36,936 to a faburous show. But now party's over. 1083 01:28:37,020 --> 01:28:39,271 -For I am the great Kim Jong II. -Lisa. 1084 01:28:39,356 --> 01:28:43,025 And I am the greatest terrorist ever to have rived. 1085 01:28:43,360 --> 01:28:45,069 Terrorise this. 1086 01:29:00,877 --> 01:29:03,212 -Lisa, are you okay? -No, Gary, the countdown. 1087 01:29:03,296 --> 01:29:04,714 You have to stop it. 1088 01:29:04,798 --> 01:29:07,842 -What do I do? -Hit the big "cancel" button! 1089 01:29:14,850 --> 01:29:17,518 -Gary, how did you manage this? -Spottswoode helped me. 1090 01:29:17,602 --> 01:29:19,270 Spottswoode? He's alive? 1091 01:29:19,354 --> 01:29:23,733 Lisa, I'm crazy about you. Will you please forgive me if I... 1092 01:29:23,817 --> 01:29:26,068 You had me at "dicks fuck assholes." 1093 01:29:27,279 --> 01:29:30,072 Attention. Attention, everyone. 1094 01:29:30,490 --> 01:29:32,867 All you in the audience should go to your homes now. 1095 01:29:32,951 --> 01:29:36,078 Your countries need you. But the world will be safe, 1096 01:29:36,163 --> 01:29:39,165 thanks to a brilliant actor named Gary Johnston. 1097 01:29:58,977 --> 01:30:01,645 Let me explain to you the kind of man Gary is. 1098 01:30:02,647 --> 01:30:03,689 He's a man who knows 1099 01:30:03,774 --> 01:30:07,151 that when you put another man's cock in your mouth, you make a pact. 1100 01:30:07,235 --> 01:30:09,403 A bond that cannot be broken. 1101 01:30:09,488 --> 01:30:12,573 He's a man so dedicated that he will get down on his knees 1102 01:30:12,657 --> 01:30:14,325 and put that cock right in his mouth. 1103 01:30:17,245 --> 01:30:18,913 Wait a minute. Look! 1104 01:30:24,169 --> 01:30:27,254 You have not heard the rast of Kim Jong II. 1105 01:30:27,339 --> 01:30:29,048 I will return! 1106 01:30:30,175 --> 01:30:33,719 You shall see. I will be back! 1107 01:30:40,143 --> 01:30:43,020 So rong, earthrings! 1108 01:30:44,898 --> 01:30:47,191 We'll be here waiting for you, Kim Jong II. 1109 01:30:47,943 --> 01:30:49,610 All right, you guys, I hate to break up this little party, 1110 01:30:49,694 --> 01:30:52,071 but there's still a lot of bad guys out there. 1111 01:30:52,155 --> 01:30:56,367 Well, then let's go show the bad guys the police are back in force. 1112 01:30:57,035 --> 01:31:00,037 Fuck, yeah. 1113 01:31:01,915 --> 01:31:07,419 America 1114 01:31:08,171 --> 01:31:11,090 -America -Fuck, yeah 1115 01:31:11,174 --> 01:31:13,968 Coming again to save The motherfucking day, yeah 1116 01:31:14,052 --> 01:31:16,679 -America -Fuck, yeah 1117 01:31:16,763 --> 01:31:20,015 Freedom is the only way, yeah 1118 01:31:20,100 --> 01:31:22,351 Terrorists, your game is through 1119 01:31:22,435 --> 01:31:24,979 'Cause now you have to answer to 1120 01:31:25,063 --> 01:31:27,982 -America -Fuck, yeah 1121 01:31:28,066 --> 01:31:31,110 So lick my butt And suck on my balls 1122 01:31:31,194 --> 01:31:33,487 -America -Fuck, yeah 1123 01:31:33,572 --> 01:31:37,616 What you gonna do When we come for you now? 1124 01:31:37,951 --> 01:31:40,411 It's the dream that we all share 1125 01:31:40,495 --> 01:31:45,207 -It's the hope for tomorrow -Fuck, yeah 1126 01:31:48,211 --> 01:31:49,753 -McDonald's -Fuck, yeah 1127 01:31:49,838 --> 01:31:51,046 -Wal-Mart -Fuck, yeah 1128 01:31:51,131 --> 01:31:52,339 -The Gap -Fuck, yeah 1129 01:31:52,424 --> 01:31:53,424 -Baseball -Fuck, yeah 1130 01:31:53,508 --> 01:31:54,717 -NFL -Fuck, yeah 1131 01:31:54,801 --> 01:31:56,135 -Rock 'n' roll -Fuck, yeah 1132 01:31:56,219 --> 01:31:57,553 -The Internet -Fuck, yeah 1133 01:31:57,637 --> 01:31:58,971 -Slavery -Fuck, yeah 1134 01:32:00,807 --> 01:32:02,600 Fuck, yeah 1135 01:32:09,065 --> 01:32:12,151 Everyone has AIDS My grandma and my dog Ole Blue 1136 01:32:12,235 --> 01:32:16,071 -AIDS, AIDS, AIDS -The Pope has got it and so do you 1137 01:32:16,156 --> 01:32:18,866 Come on, everybody We got quilting to do 1138 01:32:18,950 --> 01:32:20,951 We're gonna break down These barricades 1139 01:32:21,036 --> 01:32:23,746 Everyone has AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS 1140 01:32:23,830 --> 01:32:25,956 AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS 1141 01:32:26,041 --> 01:32:28,125 AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS AIDS, AIDS 1142 01:32:28,460 --> 01:32:30,920 Freedom isn't free 1143 01:32:31,004 --> 01:32:34,506 It costs folks like you and me 1144 01:32:35,258 --> 01:32:37,301 And if we don't all chip in 1145 01:32:37,385 --> 01:32:41,931 We'll never pay that bill 1146 01:32:43,141 --> 01:32:45,726 Freedom isn't free 1147 01:32:46,269 --> 01:32:49,897 No, there's a hefty fucking fee 1148 01:32:49,981 --> 01:32:56,487 And if you don't throw in your buck-o-five, who will? 1149 01:32:58,114 --> 01:32:59,615 Buck-o-five 1150 01:33:00,242 --> 01:33:03,953 Freedom costs a buck-o-five 1151 01:33:06,289 --> 01:33:11,835 Only a woman Can brighten up my day 1152 01:33:13,171 --> 01:33:19,551 Only a woman Can touch me the right way, yeah 1153 01:33:20,095 --> 01:33:25,599 Only a woman ls allowed to touch me there 1154 01:33:26,768 --> 01:33:31,188 All I ask Is that you're a woman 1155 01:33:33,692 --> 01:33:37,569 I'm so ronery 1156 01:33:37,988 --> 01:33:39,655 So ronery 1157 01:33:40,031 --> 01:33:43,075 So ronery and sadry arone 1158 01:33:44,035 --> 01:33:47,663 There's no one Just me onry 1159 01:33:48,707 --> 01:33:51,875 Sitting on my rittle throne 1160 01:33:52,544 --> 01:33:56,672 I work rearry hard And make up great prans 1161 01:33:56,756 --> 01:34:01,135 But nobody ristens No one understands 1162 01:34:01,219 --> 01:34:07,224 Seems rike no one Takes me seriousry 1163 01:34:07,892 --> 01:34:09,059 And so 1164 01:34:09,561 --> 01:34:11,812 I'm ronery 1165 01:34:13,315 --> 01:34:14,565 A rittle ronery 1166 01:34:15,817 --> 01:34:19,862 Poor rittle me 1167 01:34:31,666 --> 01:34:36,128 I need you like Ben Affleck Needs acting school 1168 01:34:36,588 --> 01:34:39,465 He was terrible in that film 1169 01:34:39,758 --> 01:34:43,844 I need you like Cuba Gooding needed a bigger part 1170 01:34:44,679 --> 01:34:48,349 He's way better than Ben Affleck And now 1171 01:34:48,767 --> 01:34:52,770 All I can think about is your smile 1172 01:34:52,854 --> 01:34:55,773 And that shitty movie, too 1173 01:34:56,149 --> 01:34:57,900 Pearl Harbor sucked 1174 01:34:58,610 --> 01:35:01,612 And I miss you 1175 01:35:09,120 --> 01:35:15,584 Why does Michael Bay Get to keep on making movies? 1176 01:35:15,752 --> 01:35:18,796 I guess Pearl Harbor sucked 1177 01:35:20,590 --> 01:35:25,636 Just a little bit more Than I miss you 1178 01:35:33,269 --> 01:35:35,896 Show a lot of things Happening at once 1179 01:35:35,980 --> 01:35:39,024 Remind everyone Of what's going on 1180 01:35:39,109 --> 01:35:42,277 And with every shot Show a little improvement 1181 01:35:42,362 --> 01:35:44,905 To show it all would take too long 1182 01:35:44,989 --> 01:35:48,409 -That's called a montage -Montage 1183 01:35:48,493 --> 01:35:51,870 -Girl, we want a montage -Montage 1184 01:35:51,955 --> 01:35:55,165 In anything, if you want to go 1185 01:35:55,250 --> 01:35:57,918 From just a beginner to a pro 1186 01:35:58,002 --> 01:36:00,796 -You need a montage -Montage 1187 01:36:00,880 --> 01:36:04,508 -Even Rocky had a montage -Montage 1188 01:36:05,343 --> 01:36:11,098 -Always fade out in a montage -Montage 1189 01:36:11,182 --> 01:36:13,767 If you fade out It seems like more time has passed 1190 01:36:13,852 --> 01:36:18,105 I was sent from planet Gyron To conquer the Earth 1191 01:36:18,189 --> 01:36:21,233 I had a terrific pran I thought it would work 1192 01:36:21,943 --> 01:36:25,195 Tried to get the earthrings All to kill each other, you see 1193 01:36:25,613 --> 01:36:29,450 But it all went wrong And now I must decree 1194 01:36:30,243 --> 01:36:34,538 You are worthress, Arec Barrwin You are worthress, Arec Barrwin 1195 01:36:34,789 --> 01:36:38,625 You failed in every way And now my stock in you has farren 1196 01:36:38,751 --> 01:36:42,254 Your career is starring And you're worthress, Arec Barrwin 1197 01:36:42,422 --> 01:36:46,884 That's why I brew your head off And your children are all bawring 1198 01:36:48,178 --> 01:36:52,097 Pranet Gyron is inhabited With Zypods rike me 1199 01:36:52,515 --> 01:36:55,726 But also with Barmacks Who are giant bees 1200 01:36:56,519 --> 01:37:00,063 The Zypods and the Barmacks Are at constant war 1201 01:37:00,356 --> 01:37:04,735 So we wanted a new home And that's what Earth was for 1202 01:37:05,278 --> 01:37:10,073 But you are worthress, Arec Barrwin You are worthress, Arec Barrwin 1203 01:37:10,158 --> 01:37:11,742 You fucked up my whole pran 1204 01:37:11,826 --> 01:37:14,786 And now Gyron is smeared With Barmack porren 1205 01:37:14,871 --> 01:37:18,665 Your garbage needs some hauring And you're worthress, Arec Barrwin 1206 01:37:18,750 --> 01:37:21,835 Now I must return home a failure 1207 01:37:22,170 --> 01:37:28,759 I'm afraid the Pit of Cryrock Is carring